cryptic, exhausted musings

I am completely supported by everyone around me and by God. I know I am loved and that I have so much. Otherwise, I feel like a floppy, heavy sandbag. I have thousands of grains of work stuck inside of me, waiting to be poured out. And I will pour. But the process is painful. Emotionally and physically I am weak. Psychologically, I am confused. Spiritually, I am desperate.

Note to self: I dream my fears. Am I living them?

memorial

Tonight I wept for the unsurrendered. Tonight I realized how lost the world is. Tonight I realized how blind the Church allows people to be.

Father, save your children. And save me from apathy.

Good grief, I...

... took a world lit test and a french test. I didn't really study for either of them... and I actually fell asleep for a second in the middle of my french test. We don't know why. I got 8 hours of sleep last night.

... got blood drawn today to see why I've been so tired during the day. Kayla held my hand. I didn't cry. I'm an adult.

... think I broke out in hives this weekend because of stress.

... am leading Mark Twain seminar, teaching my practicum students, and teaching my 45 minute micro lesson in Methods tomorrow.

If I can write a lesson plan before 8, I will be GOLDEN gate bridge. I'm going to start devoting an hour every day to my thematic unit.

Climbing Mt. Homework

Hi. My name is Homework. I have a pet short-haired homework. I ate homework for dinner today. I drank tea and with a spoonful of homework. Sometimes, I take a homework break and do homework. I made a homework list and laughed homeworkingly. If I finish my homework, I'll post my homeworkish accomplishments. That will be my homework reward.

Homeworkingly yours,

Bethany

a toast for toast

You found it amazing when I embraced you in your vulnerability.

It was God, yes. But remember-

long before I accepted your all

you welcomed my silly putty self.

You- spilling over with opinions and passions and interests;

with connections, friends, and street smarts.

Me- with shreds of identity leftover from life experiences;

superglued together with a matte layer of sarcasm.

You're a critic. You've got a Nick shaped filter

and I've no clue how I slipped through-

and through- and through-

I'd been waiting to slide down some side-shoot

to leave room for someone better.

You like to keep company with the best.

But you find the most unique bests-

you're a true scout. Especially when you decided on God's company.

You're one of my best friends.

You've got talent and vision and an eye for potential:

something you saw in me.

Encourager. Accepter. Giver. Laugher.

I hope living the life of an artist

focuses your God's-eye vision of the world. Of you. Of others.

Happy 21st birthday. Make good choices, keep good company, laugh good laughs. Here's to a blessed 21 years, and here's hoping God gives you 21 more.

sunday

This weekend has been delightful. But because I'm short on time, I'm just going to write words to describe Friday, Saturday, and today.

Snickers bar. Bananagrams. FNL. Skype. Dutch blitz. Billy. Tarzan. Laundrylaundrylaundrylaundry. Church membership meeting. Genesis 2. Taco Bell. Audio Candide. Sculpt. Mark Twain. Tea.

plenty

I've had several good conversations over the past week. Some with staff, some with girls in the unit. Vulnerability and God's love have been popping up all over the place. I've seen people utterly shocked by the gravity of God's love and I've experienced literal acts of God's love. For example: today I got a zebra at McConn. I've been very tired lately and Zach, who was working in McConn, saw the look on my face and asked me, "If you could have any candy bar in the world right now, what would it be?" I said an almond snickers, because it reminds me of my dad. Then he made a drink for me and asked if it tasted like an almond snickers. :)

Our staff retreat was a great rest and so much fun. I really enjoyed Chicago. Even though I wouldn't consider myself a city person, I felt kind of at home in the city. I've been missing home here and there.

I'm leading discussion in Mark Twain and TEACHING MY FIRST LESSON IN THE CLASSROOM TOMORROW. Which I'm a little bit nervous about, needless to say.

I'm equally nervous because Noelle wants me to go to the Health Center tomorrow and get blood drawn because she thinks there's something wrong with me. I've got some symptoms of anemia, some type of vitamin deficiency, or mono. I dunno, I think I'm just tired. And I hate, hate, hate needles.

Besides that, though, I'm so thankful for every one of my residents, every one of my staff members/friends/relationships, all my classes, my major, my God... I am SOO lucky to be an RA and to be at IWU and to have the relationships that I do at home and here. I want it to be forever. But you know what's cool? I thought the same thing about high school and college is even better. I think if I stay Bethany, I'll like post-college too. Or post-first-year-of-teaching. :)