after a covenant on "joy"

Heavy. Lots of heavy topics seeping in from the unit. My brain is full of all this depressing molasses. Super Bethany (one day there will be a picture) would micro-manage! She would leap buildings and hop McConn lines just for the smile on the face of a resident!

But Super Bethany is... unfortunately... a myth. I put that cape away long ago... and probably donated it to Goodwill during one of the plethora of clothing drives (good work, OC's. Good work).

And this Bethany's got molasses on the brain. And she's tired. Apparently just tired from a sudden "SHINGLES" attack. But tired nonetheless.

There's so much anxiety and depression and suicide and death and broken families and broken relationships and skewed perspectives. Satan, you're holding a sick kaleidoscope in front of our world. And we're convinced that all we're meant for is to deal with the shards.

There's so much to take care of here and, when break comes, so much to deal with there. Give me my joy! What does joy mean right now? Maybe that's this year's lesson. Last year it was love. Now it might be joy.

I'm thankful for my parents and Ben. I'm thankful for the staff. I'm thankful for Kayla. I'm thankful for Anne. I'm thankful for Kelly and her engagement. I'm thankful for the Koches. I'm thankful for my few South hall friends. I'm thankful for my talents. I'm thankful for grace. I'm thankful for my practicum class. I'm thankful for Nick, Chelsea, Spencer, Christine, and Matt. I'm thankful for IWU. I'm thankful for my job. I'm thankful that things have been so much heavier and God has given me joy. He has saved me from death and sustained me in the face of death. He has not lied. He will not lie. He is my joy.

ironic

I'm writing an entire thematic unit on motivation and I... have no motivation. I think I lost it amidst the 5 or 6 or 7 other papers that I need to write and the 9 or 10 metacognitive papers that I need to grade.

But how? How can it be done? How do I trick my attitude from looking at the unit plan with contempt into LOVING it?! There must be some mystery factor I'm not thinking of...

She gave a mouse a cookie

I am the mouse. Or in this case, bridesmaid. And the dress was the cookie. One moment I was looking at different styles (under the constraints of "black")... the next moment, I was looking at umbrellas and other knick knacks. Far... far from applicable. Unless! We carry the umbrellas down the isle. Like some sort of weather-usurping bouquet. .... no? Alright then.

I'm not a big gift person. I don't like "stuff" because "stuff" clutters. I like things that are practical -- that I'll use 1,001 times.

Things like comfy sweaters. Or a whale measuring cup.

Old Bethany would've wanted books. New Bethany wouldn't want them because you only need to read a book once. Newer Bethany wants a library, if only for her classroom.

In all honesty, I think some of the best gifts I've been given have been given during a not-holiday. Just Becauses are the best. They're so much more rare, but they're intentional and applicable.

BUT! But... my favorite gift ever is one I've never held. Dozens have given it to me, and a handful have given it to me well. I can wrap it around me like a blanket and feel totally comfortable. I can talk to it and be heard. I can sit with it silently without any inhibitions. I can cook with it, play with it, sing with it, create with it, laugh with it... I've even cried with it. I'm thankful for your Time, friends. It is my most precious gift. :)

ehhSCAHpayyy

I've escaped. I'm bunkered in the Koch house. The same house it's been since I was born. Kindleburger Park is still a block away... that little library is still a few doors down... the porch is still cold... and the kitchen still has fruit wallpaper. I'm home. The boys go about their movies and cards with their friends and girlfriends. I listen to mom and pop talk about Kelly's engagement. They've fed me with pizza and salad and kiwi and nutella and pretzels. I've showered (finally!). Joey's curled up at the foot of the bed. Kelly's room is still lavender and her bedspread is still pink.

I have a long... long list of things to get done. But for just a little while, I'm going to bask in this. You know, this is the only consistent "place" I've ever known. This house gives me a sense of place. I know several people who give me a sense of place, but very few locations.

There are some things that I want to write, but I won't. Not now. Something I will say that I want is Brave at Sea's music. I really like their sound. :)

Here's to the moments that feel like this:

the time is inevitable

It's 4 am and I'm reading Mark Twain.

"It may be that such an opinion has been born somewhere, at some time or other, but I suppose it got away before they could catch it and stuff it and put it in the museum."

... thought that was interesting.

breaking point

I didn't think I was going to have a nervous breakdown. The closest thing I've gotten to that is a quiet, tired stupor. But I think we're gettin' there. This particular situation's got all the fixin's for some good ol'... curl-up-in-a-ball-and-weep. Right now I'm too tired to cry. So that's good, right? Can someone adopt my unit for like two weeks while I isolate myself in a homework cave? I love them a lot and having to escape constantly makes me feel like they don't deserve me right now.

The amount of love, support, and encouragement that I have received this semester is mind boggling. My mind is boggled. And it's funny, because I feel as though the words of encouragement/etc came riiiight as I was maybe thinking about being very stressed out. They caught me so early that I was always caught before I felt utterly buried. I just spent a full minute trying to figure out how to spell "buried." But now, by no fault of anyone outside of myself, I'm drowning. I'm deep down and I just had that lung-jerking realization that I'm probably going to have to inhale before I reach the surface. Encouragement is still there. Love is still evident. My friends and family support me. But external forces don't seem to hold much weight. If anything, "You're doing good" sounds like a lie and "Baby steps" sounds like an ignorant diagnosis.

And NOW there's some chick in the study lounge talking to her boyfriend on Skype. Lights blaring -- voice squawking. I don't know if she noticed my bungalow. I don't know HOW she could miss it. There are three sets of shoes, a coat, a stack of 20 (literal) books, a heavy backpack, a laptop, a mug, papers, notepads... I felt personally affronted. It took me six trips to get everything out of there. .... I'll stop.

I'm grumpy to the point that a good church dinner and a successful Deck the Halls event mean zilch to me right now. They took up time.

cryptic, exhausted musings

I am completely supported by everyone around me and by God. I know I am loved and that I have so much. Otherwise, I feel like a floppy, heavy sandbag. I have thousands of grains of work stuck inside of me, waiting to be poured out. And I will pour. But the process is painful. Emotionally and physically I am weak. Psychologically, I am confused. Spiritually, I am desperate.

Note to self: I dream my fears. Am I living them?

memorial

Tonight I wept for the unsurrendered. Tonight I realized how lost the world is. Tonight I realized how blind the Church allows people to be.

Father, save your children. And save me from apathy.

Good grief, I...

... took a world lit test and a french test. I didn't really study for either of them... and I actually fell asleep for a second in the middle of my french test. We don't know why. I got 8 hours of sleep last night.

... got blood drawn today to see why I've been so tired during the day. Kayla held my hand. I didn't cry. I'm an adult.

... think I broke out in hives this weekend because of stress.

... am leading Mark Twain seminar, teaching my practicum students, and teaching my 45 minute micro lesson in Methods tomorrow.

If I can write a lesson plan before 8, I will be GOLDEN gate bridge. I'm going to start devoting an hour every day to my thematic unit.

Climbing Mt. Homework

Hi. My name is Homework. I have a pet short-haired homework. I ate homework for dinner today. I drank tea and with a spoonful of homework. Sometimes, I take a homework break and do homework. I made a homework list and laughed homeworkingly. If I finish my homework, I'll post my homeworkish accomplishments. That will be my homework reward.

Homeworkingly yours,

Bethany

a toast for toast

You found it amazing when I embraced you in your vulnerability.

It was God, yes. But remember-

long before I accepted your all

you welcomed my silly putty self.

You- spilling over with opinions and passions and interests;

with connections, friends, and street smarts.

Me- with shreds of identity leftover from life experiences;

superglued together with a matte layer of sarcasm.

You're a critic. You've got a Nick shaped filter

and I've no clue how I slipped through-

and through- and through-

I'd been waiting to slide down some side-shoot

to leave room for someone better.

You like to keep company with the best.

But you find the most unique bests-

you're a true scout. Especially when you decided on God's company.

You're one of my best friends.

You've got talent and vision and an eye for potential:

something you saw in me.

Encourager. Accepter. Giver. Laugher.

I hope living the life of an artist

focuses your God's-eye vision of the world. Of you. Of others.

Happy 21st birthday. Make good choices, keep good company, laugh good laughs. Here's to a blessed 21 years, and here's hoping God gives you 21 more.

sunday

This weekend has been delightful. But because I'm short on time, I'm just going to write words to describe Friday, Saturday, and today.

Snickers bar. Bananagrams. FNL. Skype. Dutch blitz. Billy. Tarzan. Laundrylaundrylaundrylaundry. Church membership meeting. Genesis 2. Taco Bell. Audio Candide. Sculpt. Mark Twain. Tea.

plenty

I've had several good conversations over the past week. Some with staff, some with girls in the unit. Vulnerability and God's love have been popping up all over the place. I've seen people utterly shocked by the gravity of God's love and I've experienced literal acts of God's love. For example: today I got a zebra at McConn. I've been very tired lately and Zach, who was working in McConn, saw the look on my face and asked me, "If you could have any candy bar in the world right now, what would it be?" I said an almond snickers, because it reminds me of my dad. Then he made a drink for me and asked if it tasted like an almond snickers. :)

Our staff retreat was a great rest and so much fun. I really enjoyed Chicago. Even though I wouldn't consider myself a city person, I felt kind of at home in the city. I've been missing home here and there.

I'm leading discussion in Mark Twain and TEACHING MY FIRST LESSON IN THE CLASSROOM TOMORROW. Which I'm a little bit nervous about, needless to say.

I'm equally nervous because Noelle wants me to go to the Health Center tomorrow and get blood drawn because she thinks there's something wrong with me. I've got some symptoms of anemia, some type of vitamin deficiency, or mono. I dunno, I think I'm just tired. And I hate, hate, hate needles.

Besides that, though, I'm so thankful for every one of my residents, every one of my staff members/friends/relationships, all my classes, my major, my God... I am SOO lucky to be an RA and to be at IWU and to have the relationships that I do at home and here. I want it to be forever. But you know what's cool? I thought the same thing about high school and college is even better. I think if I stay Bethany, I'll like post-college too. Or post-first-year-of-teaching. :)