So after a thoughtful meal and a sentimental book reading, I've found myself engaged. I'm simplifying details- like snuck salmon and carefully chosen cranberries. I'm also simplifying background, like secret meetings and book covers. I'm also ALSO simplifying setting, like flowers and candles. 

Matt is wonderful and sentimental and perfect. But that, too, is an oversimplified statement.

Living in Neverland

Let me tell you about my roommates. They left hours ago and now they're back with bags upon bags of groceries. They went dumpster diving for the food that the store threw away because today was its "sell by" date. They're washing some things and dividing the spoils. It's not cute... But it's also not bad. The food is all good! They could've bought it at the store today. I told them I felt like I was Wendy and they were the Lost Boys. I love them so much. Living with my girl friends is such a privilege.

I'm grumpy. I'm ready for break.

I'm grading a huge pile of papers. Not because I'm a procrastinator... because my students are procrastinators. I didn't make an effort to check on writing assignments. A lot of students did them as they went... some did not. So I'm knee deep in grading like 9 different curriculums. Crazy.

I'm grumpy. I'm ready for break.

Bright sides: I'm in a cleanish house. Candles are burning. Grading's done. I'm eating a cookie.

I think I love where I work. I've felt anxious a lot, which affects how I feel in the classroom, but I know I often do well there. I like the communication and adaptation and quickness required. I feel exhausted, though.

Family Night went well today. We did fried chicken and played games. Anne and Matt came.

Here's one of my students on a hanger at Walmart.

Color Me Rad

For the Special Olympics. Also, for fun.

Pokagon

"What beats that? Baby... monkeys... in diapers? ... Yeah. They do."

Matt is a planner. He planned that we'd spend Labor Day together and he planned not to tell me what we were doing. Just for the fun of it, I think.

We did donuts and coffee... and reading and driving... and State-Park-walking and picniking... and people-watching and photo-taking... and Texas-Roadhousing... and Parks-and-Rec-ing... a lot of things.

I discovered that I love woodpeckers. They're awesome. They have red heads and speckled gray bodies. They also smash their faces into wood to eat. How crazy is that?

I've also discovered that Matt used to be the white version of Russell from UP. Which is... a relief. Because who else would I rather explore the woods with??

Filled

Spiritual Bucket. Darren's sermon on Aaron's genealogy (Exodus 6) charmed me. I have been tested in each one of these affections, but they have held true: I love my pastor, I love the Old Testament, and I love God's inspiration through any Word.

Physical Bucket (You know... the stomach). The Luttrells should open an eatery. Peter held the pizza-serving-thingy like a staff as he pointed out the various types of pizzas on the table. Would I like some BBQ pulled pork pizza with cilantro and feta? Would I like a slice of bruschetta pie? Um... yes, yes, one thousand times yes. Did I mention this is a church meal? I should. Just so the world knows how awesome my church is and how few casseroles we dish out. 

Mental Bucket. My afternoon was a nap. A heavy, drooly nap with the weight of a legion of REM cycles. 

Psychological Bucket. A handful of lovelies have affirmed me today. Thank you, lovelies. When I'm finished being a basket case, I'll weave you all baskets with loving words on them. (Click here for Spongebob connection)

Monetary Bucket. Replacing the main relay (cheapest fix ever) did the trick. Sally the Car is a champion. So is my bank account*.

*It's a champion like Champion the 

3-legged dog in Parks and Rec. 

Handicapped, but able to hobble.

So, she wants to...?

Rachel: Linnea is in her final interview to be a Financial Literacy Educator.
Kayla: I would like to do something like that... except not with Financial Literacy.

...by it's cover.

I was browsing threadless today, reminiscing on my long-dead t-shirt obsession. I used to define myself using a 95% cotton/5% polyester blend. I think I've hunted down all my old designs.

I probably wouldn't pick any of these to wear now. But it makes me smile to know how fond I was of making myself feel clever. I still, however, am a fan of threadless shirts.

Judgement Confessional

Here's the deal. I'm the oldest I've ever been, so I think I know a lot. I find myself judging people my age -- young adults. People who defend themselves by saying, "I'm grown." People who have fickle values and who model themselves after the entertainment industry. This is my confession: I judge.

I know a lot of "young adults," though. Obviously. I have friends and peers. Many who've had hard lives and no stability. It sucks to pick and choose who's going to influence you as a kid. Nobody deserves that. Nobody deserves dead-beat dads or addict moms. Nobody deserves being pushed aside. Nobody should have to find solace with pushers or manipulators because they accept people they can use.

Survival of the fittest in my generation. For those with parents, that means you'd better succeed for yourself because you've got to achieve to be anything. For those without parents, that means you'd better be tough because life's not on your side -- look tough, talk tough, and walk proud because you're tough.

Either way, my generation's walking into a life of individualism that sucks:

• Don't love people if it hurts your image. 
• Be loyal when it helps your image. 
• Be caring when it's convenient. 
• Hey, definitely keep a meticulous record of wrongs, because you'll probably need to use that later.
• People suck. I do too, but I'm going to mask that behind my perfectly manicured identity. I'm a player. I'm an athelete. I'm the one everybody needs. I'm desirable. I've got class. I've got swagger. I've got something, so you'd best not step on me. ... Please... don't step on me.

We've all got brokenness in common. I judge others' brokenness. I judge the identities they've picked to keep themselves motivated. Judgement is the one thing we're all trying to avoid... so I guess it's not helping anybody. 

My confession is that I judge my peers. My ambition is to love my peers. 

Thoughts and Images from a Monday

Dreams About Whiteboards and Video Game Riddles
I've been feeling restless as school approaches once again. I've had dreams about inadequacy and frustration.

But the existence of my "teacher fears" prove that I am a teacher. Since I have been made a teacher, I can have joy that I have been made adequate and given hope for my students. I am David with his slingshot. How fun.

Pancakes
A circle table is scooted next to a rectangular table. Our party is eight and they try to make the seating comfortable. Anne and I hold hands and pray and laugh. We eat pancakes for 55 cents. Some of us drink coffee. It's a good Monday dinner.

Camping Chairs
I perch on one on the porch as it rains softly.
Kayla sits on one in the living room, putting her feet on the gingham couch.
Anne rests on one after her evening run.

Matt and I 
We sit in the living room because the air unit makes it a few degrees cooler. The computer balances on some books so it doesn't overheat. It sits on a kitchen chair in front of the couch. We plug in speakers so we can hear Parks and Rec over the air. It's simple and fun and something to share. Like our relationship.

Community
Kayla and Renee' drink tea and munch nutella bread at the kitchen table. I join them briefly, wandering in and out of the conversations. I hear them pray and share wisdom at the kitchen table. God fills me back up.

loved

My mom got me clothes and nutella and good food.

Rachel sent me a real riddle while I drove. Anne sent me a fake riddle while I drove.

Matt's reading Harry Potter for my benefit.

Noelle gave me a sweater dress to remember her by.

Dad got me a plane ticket to Shelty's wedding.

June 23rd goodness

Today was watching Paul have faith in the storm.

Today was a kitchen deep clean.

A vulnerable conversation with the housemates. 

Sherlock Holmes with Matt. 

An impromptu get-rid-of-all-the-excess-bananas banana split creation night. 

A night where I ate half a quart of cookie dough ice cream since I don't like banana splits.

A night where all the girls got annoyed because Thomas is back in Downton Abbey.

A night where I realize I'm one of those girls who watches Downton Abbey.

A good day. A good night. 

Now I'm tired as all get out. I'm on break, but my days are still full of cleaning and cooking and softball and biking and networking and movie-ing. 

A good life.

We Celebrated with Culvers

Rachel and Aubrey got to witness some softball magic tonight. They were champs for cheering. We were champs for winning. We beat a team that usually slaughters us. Very fun. Very exciting. 

An insight into "me"

One time, I broke my phone beyond repair "because I dropped it." 

The full story was that someone had drawn hopscotch squares outside of the student center, and my phone fell out of my pocket as I was hopping to class.

One of Those Chet Quotes

"I remember doing this as a kid... on my parents' estate..." -Chet, watching a fox hunt on Downton Abbey

comfort and joy

Anne [eating mac n cheese]: Bethany, this is so good. Thank you.

Bethany: You're welcome. It's great comfort food, isn't it?

Anne: Yeah... I feel so comforted... [crams garlic bread into her mouth]... but not as comforted as I feel by the counsel of the Holy Spirit...

[Aubrey begins to dance as though there's a green screen behind her]

[Anne shovels mac n cheese into her mouth]

goodness

Today was a walk in the park.

More accurately, it was two walks in the parks. Matt and I saw a real live beaver and had a dammed good time.

little update

Today I went to the Chick-Fil-A Leadercast at IWU. I took tons of notes. It was inspiring. More on that later.

After the conference, I got to celebrate Kyla's upcoming wedding. Kyla's wonderful; it makes sense that Erick is sugary-sweet-in-love. Anne and I drove back and got some good laughs: We poked fun at rap music. We imitated Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Adele. We discussed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (when we got to the 5th amendment, we got tired and moved on to a lawn decor conversation).

After the party, I watched the final finale of The Office*. CRAZY! Another door closed on my "childhood."

*apparently the season finale hasn't happened yet. "Childhood" still on.

I'm going to take back everything I was GOING to write

Oh geez. Today is a beautiful day. Our house is exploding and my students hate math, but it's a beautiful day. 

I'm going to bike ride and play softball and watch movies and read books

and quote SNL to the roommates ("S'ciety, Seth! It's a TRAJESTY.")

and teach high school and teach Sunday school

and love

and be loved.

So everything's great. Life's my oyster. And today is my beautiful, beautiful day.

Because holidays are fun stuff

May the Fourth be with you.

unexpected

A student called me today to thank me for "being there" for her. She said she really appreciated everything I had done for her.

I did NOT expect a thank you. Not because she's an unthankful person, but because I don't think in terms of "serving for a thank you."

I don't deserve to be appreciated like this. How cool.

Hopefully I'll enjoy this...

No one warned us that a monsoon would overshadow Marion. But the rain came. The streets were washed and the basements filled. I've now spent a lot of time rescue-driving and being a piece of salvaging-assembly lines. I'm feeling in need of a boost.

Poetry's about to be read at our house. It's not like a slam for hipsters. It's a hob-knob for friends. Our poetry will be layered with jokes and conversations and questions. Super casual. The candles are lit and the house is clean and the people are milling about...

the fun

Dinosaurs
Jurassic Park came out in 3D and I went with a few friends.

I've never seen an old movie in theatres before, but it was fun to make jokes and relive the story in a new way.

I feel like I laughed a lot.

Spades
Because of a series of unfortunate events, we ended up playing cards and talking in our afternoon session today.

I went against a lot of my teacher instincts, but it was a refreshing little internal rebellion.

Boundless

Yesterday I was talking with Andrea about the concept of being. Allowing myself to be on the journey. 

Doing things on the journey, yeah, but not because those things will move me towards my ultimate life goal. Doing things because they glorify God and I'm meant to act out of love. Doing because I'm being a child of God. 

Being defined by God. Allowing myself to soak in the depth of pain and the fullness of joy that comes from true intimacy. 

God gave me a picture as we were talking:

A boundless blue ocean. I don't know that you could call it an ocean, because it never touched land. 

A person diving in from the sky. Someone who's given his life to Christ. He is now diving into God's love for him.

He is surrounded by something new and unfamiliar -- this ocean. God begins to give him the supernatural capacity to breathe in the depths. His lungs fill with water and he's afraid, but he begins to adjust.

He swims deeper and his ability to withstand pressure grows... simply because God is gracious and wants the man to experience more of Him.

I may never be in a perfect place with God on this landlocked earth. But I will always be swimming deeper. Why would I not want to experience the impossible? Why would I not accept the freedom that comes from trust in the all-powerful? Why would I hold on to what I can control -- my control is so constrained in comparison to that endless ocean. I can always swim deeper.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

Return Artist

A little bug appears in our house everyday.

We've named him Picasso.

Everyday he arrives and we fuss at him. 

Someone cups her hands around his sneaky, shiny body and sets him outside.

Apparently dismissal does not offend our little artist.

War (and) Peace

I think I've been acutely fascinated with WWII since I was 7 or 8. As I researched how to find surviving veterans today, I realized it's not going to end. 

(and)

Adult Sunday school was amazing this morning. I don't think I really taught anything. I think God taught me. He's so good and He is writing the BEST story. I love studying His authorship in the Old Testament. I was so thankful that others shared my enthusiasm.

I See Time As A Coil

I am 75% sure that I have spatial sequence synesthesia.

Swallowed A Frog

I've got a set of frogs nesting behind the safety of my ribcage.

They're snug and comfy at the bottom of my lungs.

I wonder how much tea I'll have to drink

in order to boil them to death.

Burrit-ups

Giving Freely

The Jews were fearful because they thought their God was a privilege to be lost.

The Disciples were zealous because they knew their God was a privilege to be shared. 

I prayed for years that God would "Lead Me to the Cross." I got in my car today, completely spent, and  realized He had answered my prayers: "...rid me of myself; I belong to You" rang from my speakers. I have Something to share. 

It's hard to share something without losing yourself in the process. 

How confounding.

Strengths logging

I'm a big fan of personal assessments and strengths studies. Not because they can put a person in a box, but because they add another aspect to each unique person. I took the Strengths Finder 2.0 my freshman year, and it was definitely influential. I've now re-taken the Leadership version. Here are my current five and their short descriptors.

• Strategic: People strong in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.
• Communication: People strong in the Communication theme generally find it easy to put their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.
• Maximizer: People strong in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb.
• Ideation: People strong in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.
• Context: People strong in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.

These are the two that changed since last time, though I'm sure they're still in my Top 10:

• Individualization: People strong in the Individualization theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.
• Empathy: People strong in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.

This quiet February evening deserves a haiku

Being.

Heaters, pages, friends:
Humming, crinkling, sighing deep.
We all breathe as one.

If only Gettysburg was a running-distance away...

Tonight I was reminded of how much I enjoy Remember the Titans. 

SO. MUCH.

People are meant to work together like that. And lead like that. And challenge like that.

Julius: Then why don't you tell your white buddies to block for Rev better? Because they have not blocked for him worth a blood nickel, and you know it! Nobody plays. Yourself included. I'm supposed to wear myself out for the team? What team? Nah, nah -- what I'm gonna do is look out for myself and I'ma get mine.

Bertier: See man, that's the worst attitude I ever heard.

Julius: Attitude reflects leadership, captain.

Thomas Edison-ing

Kayla: Oh, who did you have Starbucks with?

Bethany: Nobody.

Kayla: Did you get two drinks?

Bethany: ... yes. Oh shoot, I'm so pitiful right now.

I needed a ton of fuel tonight as designed a Rube Goldberg machine for our leadership retreat.

No Words Good Enough

I realized at school yesterday that I'm getting sick and I'm in need of rest. Roger called me "chippy."

Chippy: adj. The opposite of "chipper" with the same amount of energy. Synonyms: snippy, snappish, short. Antonymns: chipper, exuberant, joyous. 

Last Friday, my dinner took an apocolyptic turn and, in a storm of frustration, I scrapped everything and picked up Little Caesars for Harmon House. THIS Friday, however, was miraculous. Even though I got home late, everything flew together beautifully (minus Kayla's 4th degree burn). We feasted on seasoned tilapia with mango salsa, cilantro rice, and cinnamon carrots. That's a win for the Gipper.

Kayla and I had a great date at Starbucks. Mochas are the BEST. Good conversation with Curls is the chocolate you find at the bottom of the cup and Petricek compliments are fluffy whipped cream topping.

When we returned -- just wait, this is where things blow up -- A SURPRISE PARTY WAS WAITING!!! A million little details happened that day that I didn't put together.*

Here's a list of my favorite things: surprises and balloons and cake and candles and Kemps and Wavelength and Spanish stories and Teach for America interviews and coffee and tea and laughter. Noelle and Lindsay and Emily and Chet and Chris and Pete and Matt and Kayla and Rachel and Kyla and Anne and Nick and Zach. 

The night concluded with tiredness and Taco Bell. Harmon house did the most fantastical job. I am still in awe. 

*Things I managed not to be suspicious about: Kayla taking forever at Noelle's (to blow up balloons), Matt telling me he'd see me soon at Jimmy Johns ("tonight"), the chocolate frosting on the fridge (cake), the chocolate ice cream in the freezer (ice cream), Kayla's insistence on going out right before Nick and Chris were going to come by to play cards (9 people), Anne deep-cleaning the whole house (party prep), a million cars around our house (9 people), Rachel pre-heating the oven while we were cooking (cake)... etc.

Kayla: "I have a crush on the old man that looks like Albert Einstein."
Rachel: "Albert Einstein is hot."
Kayla: "Yeah, totally."
Rachel: "No. ... No, he's not."
Kayla: "No! But he has, like, elbow pads... and he's kind of stand-offish."
Rachel: "Do you know what Albert Einstein looks like??"

Living It Up

I'm learning Algebra 2 on weekends so that these characters can graduate on time.

on paper, a "best day."

• The best days start early with prep work, warm showers, and God time.
• The best days are filled with co-worker camaraderie, engaged students, life discussions, and exercise.
• The best days end with painting scripture, eating good food, hanging with best friends, playing Dutch Blitz, drinking tea, and doing dishes.

Productivity and fun. Today, I'm of the renaissance.

"Literal Renaissance Woman"

The cherry on top would have been seeing the new episodes of 30 Rock and Parks and Rec. Oh well. :]

After a LONG day teaching:

“Kids don’t remem­ber what you try to teach them. They remem­ber what you are.” – Jim Henson

... but I kind of hope they remember a little bit of what I teach them, too.

"It's too cold now! They won't send me ants because it's too cold outside!" -Kayla

She loves ant farms now. They're a community pet. She loves herself some community.

Of Being Far Too Much For Myself

"But, my God, my soul has horizons further away than those of early mornings, deeper darkness than the nights of earth, higher peaks than any mountain peaks, greater depths than any sea in nature. You who are the God of all these, be my God. I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths; there are motives I cannot discover, dreams I cannot realize. My God, search me." Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

"I love the idea that my soul is spiritual, and one of the things (if not the thing) that makes me created in your image. I have never thought about it as something deep or wide... I think of my soul as something small (confined to my body) and complex -- like a spiritual rubik's cube. Something I can know the tricks for and be familiar with and eventually figure out. I've never thought of my soul being the setting of an ADVENTURE!" My Prayer Journal

No wonder I cannot figure myself out.

No wonder I cannot fix myself.

No wonder I need God and others.

"No mind was so good that it did not need another mind to counter and equal it; to save it from conceit and blindness and bigotry and folly." Charles Williams, The Place of the Lion (Thanks, Mary Leimgruber! You're a peach!)

Pop-Up Restaurant

Tonight was the "Salt House Pop Up Restaurant" at Nick's house. We hosted our parents for a four-course meal, planned and prepped by Spencer (naturally). We spent the night cooking, plating, and cleaning. Since we've all been friends for years, we thought it would be appropriate for us to give back to the people who had hosted all our shenanigans for the past decade. Some of our parents had never met.

I'm really thankful that I got to catch up with Matt a little bit tonight. We will always be kindred spirits. Play time with Erin, Brittany, Spencer, Kim, and Nick was also delightful. SO many quotable moments and so many encouraging words.

photo cred to Spencer's instagram

"Y2K: Party Like It's 1999"

New Years was a blast. We played, ate, and made merry. Just like we would have in 1999 if we didn't have sugar restrictions or bedtimes.

Nick took lots of snapshots. He has decided to grace the public with this choice collage. Happy New Year to us!