Mourning

I've witnessed a lot of hurt this past week. People bringing each other down. Friends, acquaintances... people with hearts and souls and dreams and feelings. To one person, they confide their concerns, fears, and regrets -- and to another, they are demeaning, condemning, condescending... I didn't know. I see how beautiful all of these people are, but how they're dealing with their insecurities by not being loving to others.

I ache for my friends. I ache for my sisters, for the girls in my unit.

One of the themes I dedicated to my year was vulnerability. Others were honesty and openness. Ridding ourselves of malice, growing in love, encouraging one another... I prayed these things over each door in my unit. I quoted them as my life verses. They became ideals that certainly don't define me, but they're things I chase.

I cried yesterday for people I love who feel inadequate and hated. I cried the day before for people who don't feel worthy who I know are - of everything, by grace.

It's something I wish I could soap box. It's something I wish didn't happen. It's something that has brought me to my knees, literally. It's a challenge to me and my standards. How can I love more effectively? Higher, greater, deeper dependance on God. I hope more than anything it overflows onto the people around me.

Have mercy on us, God. We're broken.

a lot

There's a lot to ache for. A lot. I have to just keep repeating to myself

I can't, I can't, I can't.

He can, He can, He can.

I Am, I Am, I Am.

He is, He Is, He Is.

Hours like these make me wish I was a better RA and a better encourager and more present and more helpful and a better example and had better initiative. Make me wish I had more control or no control at all.

BUT God has blessed me - literally beyond measure. Beyond fathoming. I would need to count fingers and toes to name all of the people in my life who are gifts. I would need to be some sort of 50-toed foot beast. The amount of stuff I have. The food I get (Okay, I know some people don't like the food here, but I couldn't be happier). The education I'm getting. The talents I've been given. The jobs I've been entrusted with...

Praise the Lord, O my soul, all my inmost being praise His Holy name.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, AND. WITH. THANKSGIVING. give your requests to the Lord. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Thou shall not steal.

When Shelty and Spencer were here, they were fascinated by the lack of kleptos at IWU: people are SUPPOSED to steal things on college campuses.

Spencer said that if you left out a bag at UCSD, some sorority girl was gunna be like, "Oh hold on girl, I'mma snatch it."

Last night I was charging my laptop in South hall. I was distracted and left it there... open... and charging... on a coffee table.

When I couldn't find poor Linus this morning, I realized that I had left it in South. When I went to South's lobby, there it sat - still plugged into the wall, charging.

Them Wesleyans know their Commandments.

So I could sit in the sun,

I moved my chair under the window. Anne's listening to the Civil Wars. It's a Sunday afternoon.

It was a beautiful week. Here it is in its brevity*:

Monday: Chelsea got a crash-course debrief of everyone she would meet as we waited for Spencer's delayed flight. On the drive home, she insisted on "introversion time," which Spencer obeyed a couple minutes at a time. The sky poured rain and both friends gasped at the lightening. After having been in the dorm 10 minutes without me, Chelsea and Spencer were surrounded by a crowd of friends, baking cookies, and drinking tea. Spencer and Zack had the same hair and wore the same color -- the rest was history. Kaybs, Kayla, Mike, Chris, Kyle were all there. Anne arrived after the longest day in the darkroom EVER, melted into a pitiful puddle, and then leapt back into action to greet her new friends. The Californians and Anne went to Kaybs' lodge, where we played Hand and Foot. The girls went to bed and Mike and Bags kept Spencer awake talking.

Tuesday: Spencer and Shelty (hence called Spelty for my sanity) met me in McConn after my test and we hung out there doing homework until dinner. Shelty discovered her new love in Mint Chocolate Frappes. Anne, (Allison), Mike, Nick, Bags, Kylee, Spelty and I went to Baldwin. We talked a lot, heard Sorority stories (I'm still going out!), and played Spicy Uno. The Californians went to Still and somehow stayed until 10. Shelty loved that they sang Mighty to Save.

Wednesday: A big group went to McNutts -- Spencer LOVED it. Spelty couldn't keep it together in Creative Writing. Dr. Brown said "underdog" and they lost it. We ate Wildcat late, so Spelty went on a Marios run while I was on duty. Could we have played more games? No. Hand and Foot with Ashley, Jess, and Mike. Reghan watched. We watched Tarzan (Kaybs and I did an interpretive dance) and (half) a documentary on a poker player.

Thursday: We met up after class and hung out in McConn again. Seriously spent hours taking spiritual gifts tests that Shelty charted for everyone. Anne, Kayla, Mike, and myself all took it. Spencer probs was watching Fringe. Then Paynes with Lauren and Danielle! Sooo good. Spelty treated me. :) Then THE best game of MadGabs with Kayla. Then the fastest game of Settler's with Spelty and Mike while Anne, Zack, Kaybs and Nick watched. Games in the lobby always mean people passing in. It's great.

Friday: McNutts again! Chapel again! French test! In the car, I blindly drove to the airport while the GPS told me repeatedly to TURN AROUND. Well, we all almost cried, but we were all so thankful that none of us did. They left notes. Which I liked a lot. What wonderful, wonderful, wonderful friends. That night, Kayla, Mike, and I hung out in South Hall and just chilled.

Yesterday was a great small group, great lunch, great nap, great recital, great Moe's, great Little Women, and great staff movie time.

*not really

dream fulfilled

I walked down the mallway today and passed Spencer, Shelty, and Anne on my way to class.

A literal dream.

Everyone's friends.

Better than Christmas.

they're here

I'm so excited that Spencer and Shelty are here. I'm giddy. I feel weird being the hostess, wanting everything to be exactly what they want.

I have to do homework because they're here and it's homework time. Then after that it's playtime.

like a warm blanket out of the dryer

-Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens

-Big Fish

-Letters

-The realization that a verse is becoming a motif that will define this little bit of your life

-The last page of a good book

-When someone else plays the perfect song for that moment

-Inside joke eye contact

-A good story

-Where We Went Wrong by The Hush Sound

-Forty-Nine by Brave at Sea

-Taking a mental note of something that you can give a friend in a month or a year, but waiting to let time make it special

-Trust and humility

-Being known, understood, loved

I think that sums up Bethany at 10:22 pm on March 19th, 2011.

tasty

Today is a bite of fresh fruit. Today is sunny side up refreshing.

Small group is donuts, friends, challenges, and inspiration.

Devos are realizations, reflections, peace, and resolve.

Naps are sweet, sweet, rest. Even when the dreams aren't.

Red mail slips are hope. Phone calls are family, jokes, reminders.

Cleaning is necessary; sermons are enlightening.

Jordan's apartment is dinner; Kelly is faithful, sweet, engaged.

Tonight is a week of homework. No big deal.

caffeine hangover

Going ohing ohing,

had so much caffeine yesterday, I spazzed in the Lodges. I taught a class and did a dramatic interpretation on 3 hours of sleep. After the one on one, I collapsed. Slept. Mmm. Kayla watched me eat; we talked.

Today was the most beautiful day. Everyone was shorts and barefeets and kilts.

Brave at Sea played. I picked up a chair fastest. Kaybs axed her tongue with a lollipop. Julie fed me popcorn and caught Lysol in the air.

Let me sleep, Dr. Brown. Let me sleep, Dr. Buck. Let me sleep, Madame Soultz. Let me sleep, Professor Spaulding. I'm still recovering from Wednesday's demands. Conflabbit.

Me harping

Lindsay and I are leaving tomorrow. It was originally going to be 6 am, but she was gracious enough to push it back to 6:30 ;) So I'm pumped to leave! Ready to go! Wooo!

One of my favorite 9 hour drives happened to be when I was at the wheel and Matt and Shelty were with me. Matt, the not-people-person introvert, took it upon himself to ask questions like "What house would you be if you were in Harry Potter?" and "If you were a musical instrument, what would you be and why?" Matt honestly asked those questions for a good 5 or 6 hours. And we all played. The whole time. On that trip, I got one of the biggest insults and the biggest compliments in one answer, by Shelty Price.

Shelty told me she had a GREAT answer for me about instruments. She told me not to be offended. I held the wheel 10 and 2, and shut my mouth. She said,

"Bentie. You're a harp. You wanna know why, Bentie? Bentie, it's because when people first see you, they're like 'What the heck is that? How do you even play it??' But then after they get to know you, and learn how you work, you make the most beautiful, unique music. ... See, Bentie? You're a harp!"

Matt didn't hear a single word after "What the heck is that?" He spent the next 20 minutes laughing. Ever since that moment, I think I knew Shelty was one of my best friends.

So at moments like this, when I feel like I'm especially awkward, tall, nerdy, and uninteresting, I remember Shelty's words.

spring break '11 Day 3 -- NYC

there's some good stuff in here

in which we tell you about day 2

of spring break '11

SUNDAY

breakfast

church

lunch feast

hershey chocolate world (click here for hersey chocolate world extras)

mall

joyce and grace

the melting pot

well i would blog

but emily's seriously being grandma right now. her knees are swollen, she has a headache, and her eyes are probably sore. she's ramumbling at me. she's threatening to smack someone.

but guess what? so much has happened! so i'll blog tomorrow. i have to go to sleep at the same time as gramma because i type too loudly.

peace an' blessins

how was our first day of spring break '11, you ask?

everybody celebrated early

Today was the last day before spring break. Might as well have called it first day of spring break.

Classes were skipped.

Chapel was a gospel party... literally the first time I've seen everyone moving in chapel -- people swayed. They swayed while clapping. Anna even joined us in the front.

Grades were returned. Large sighs were had. Key phrases like, "Catching up" and "Back on track" were uttered. Ironically, they were used with, "So much fun" and "Tanning" and "Relaxing." People are going to do everything and nothing for spring break.

I'm now not going home with the Koches for a Michigan chill-session. Lindsay and Emily invited me on their New York/Pennsylvania trip! I'm going to miss the Koches, but I am pretty stoked to see a couple new places :D There WILL be blogs. Spring break has always been a harvest ground for footage.

The staffs (minus Noelle, Pete, Kayla, and Mike -- but plus Anne) went to Paynes. Zach decided he hated marriage. Emily and Danielle decided they weren't drama. David decided he needed to take a walk around the building. We played Spicey, ate ice cream, took pictures, laughed.

We did health and safeties in record time, stopping twice to run in the mud and rain. In her excitement, Danielle ran out the end door and set off the alarm. Everyone loved it. We danced and ran. Worth the blood that was shed, but apparently not for the brothers. Kyle threw mud. Chris was indignant.

I accomplished two things today: Bridesmaid dress purchased (last one in the factory... cutting it kind of close?) and housing deposit paid (get ready, South Lodge 2nd floor)

McConn McQuotes from McJohns, McLarson, McSchroer, McConner

"Every morning I wake up and think, 'How lame can I be today?'" -Michaelous Conner

Emily: "My wrinkles are worse!"

Anne: "My wrinkles HAVE wrinkles!"

Emily: "My wrinkles say I'm getting married 6 times!"

"May the force be with toi." -Allison Schroer (Star Wars and French in one quote... impressive)

"I'm always going to have medium on me -- why can't we just accept that?" -Anne Johns

Anne: "He stripped his pants off!"

Bethany: "HOW did this happen?"

Mike: "Anne and I... we had a misunderstanding..."