facebook is

an evil demon that keeps you from doing good things like reading or being a human. REPENT! All ye--- ... novelty of melodrama is dead.

Dad threw out his back. He basically caber-tossed himself into a 45 degree angle. So he and I went to the doctors office today, then we went shopping, then I treated him to Panera Bread - which he had never had!

Then we had "family time"? WHUUT is that. Becca joined Ben, Bethany, Scott, and Cindy in a rousing game of Catch Phrase. Personal favorite. Ben wanted to describe a tank, but changed his mind about how to explain it. It sounded like this: "OKAY- FISH!!! NO!!! GENERAL SHERMAN LIKES THIS!!!!" Beep-beep-beep. A point for us.

Afterwards, I taught a cautious mother and the Ben/Becca duo spicey uno. At first they seemed wary, but as things grew competitive and I spoke enthusiastically in my South American/Indian accent... they got into it. Ben drew a triforce next to his name. Classy.

two hands

one hand: I'm getting a ridiculous amount of sleep every night.

other hand: I've been wasting time at night or in the morning.

resolve: Regular bedtime. Regular alarm time. Regular eating habits.

currently: I'm listening to music that I got from my unit. :) I've been looking at teas for my birthday and spending far too much time doing MBTI research.

reflections: Spicey uno("You Know")/Sound of Music/book binding/knitting/talking at Nick's with Shelty, Auntie Anna, and Grandma. Nipper gave me a big sweater, which I place affectionately next to my Chrisper scarf and my antique Spinner books. I am not a gifty person (I just typed that backwards without thinking...), but my friends are the best gifters.

Below is a Nick photo from today. Click here to see his blog. Browse the genius that lingers.

merry christmas :)

I got about 15 texts from across the country this morning. I was torn between "Muhhhhhh... stop texting me" and "Ohhh, that's so nice that they texted me." So if you look at your outgoing texts and see that you texted me before 11 am California time --- you woke me up. ;)

Here's something I found on my wall from this summer:

B

E

TH

A

NY

contented sigh of relief

I had a problem titling this blog post. I started to write "ahhh" to represent a contented sigh of relief. But written out, that could translate into a frustrated "ahhh" or a freaked out "ahhh" or a hurt "ahhh" or an I'm-looking-at-something-pretty "ahhh." All and all, I realized that "ahhh" doesn't clearly represent relief. Then I thought about "mmm," but that's more of a satisfaction thing -- am I hungry or what? It was in the middle of the "B" section of an alphabetical list of Onomatopoeic Words that I realized the jig was up. Hence the title, "contented sigh of relief."

Today I read my Bible and prayed properly. It was a breath of sweet, fresh air. I'd been off center. I wasn't properly anchoring myself to God, so everything was off-kilter. Frank Peretti's analogy of a chair is one of my favorites in that regard. Well, it felt lovely. I found my journal of life-verses and thoughts that I had started over the summer. I'll make sure to bring that to IWU.

I also sewed up my other sleeve: I've had this shirt from Thrift Town that's very soft and comfy, but much to large. I sewed up one of the sleeves at the beginning of the year, but things got busy. So every once and a while, I would shuffle around the dorm in a big, unevenly-sleeved t-shirt. I don't think people noticed... they would've given me loose change or something if they had.

I've decided on what I'm going to do for gifts. I am not a gifty person, but many little birdies have told me about the gifts that are coming my way from friends, and soooo -- I will return the material love, in my own way.

We watched Dial M for Murder. My mom, dad, and I. Alfred Hitchcock is a genius. I've always thought it and will always say it. I am not a fan of suspense and horror, but the classiness of his movies and the way he revolutionized film and story -- awesome. He's also quite the card himself. Hilarious, dry humor. He could dry and press a bouquet of flowers with one quippy remark.

I bought some Glenn Miller music today. Big band music, black and white movies... those used to be what I was allllll about. The affection's still there, but I've just grown and become less elitist in taste haha :) If only Brave at Sea had an album out!!

home

Today I went to Shelty's and got to see Nick, Matt, Christine, and Erin. I use their Christian names for clarity purposes :) We played Hand and Foot (an awesome card game), drank tea, debriefed semesters, and talked in our own language. Lots of "dog," "mom," "she-she," "you-you"... it's fun to watch -- maybe a little hard to understand for foreigners.

Speaking of foreigners, Spencer might be stuck in the UK for Christmas. Heathrow got 4 inches of snow and everybody's FREAKING OUT. Poor kid. But he has Kevin and English friends. They're "proper ledge"... or something.

Speaking of something, I'm exhausted. It's 4 am IWU-time. I could pretend like this is me adjusting to California time. But I've actually wasted an hour doing nothing. I don't want to waste time. Ridiculous. Wingahdium gotobedsah!

Peace.

post

Post-academia. It's a beautiful thing.

I mean, yesterday was the Res Life Christmas party. Our staff was a grouping of presents. We sang "All I Want For Christmas" to South Hall (since they're our new brothers this year, an' all). At the beginning of the song we ripped off our presents and our shirts had giant photos of our brother RA's pinned to them. Creepy AND amusing.

Today was homework-free (which is, of course, the best kind of free).

Lots of cleaning happened. My favorite job was cleaning the 3rd floor's communal microwave. Did I say "favorite"? I meant to say "cover your food when you put it in the microwave." But for some reason it came out "favorite."

B-dubs with the brother staff. Spicey uno (!!!) at South Hall. Doubles ping pong. I don't really remember what happened with that... I vaguely remember Aaron and I giving each other high fives... oh. That's right. We won. But Danielle has enough spicey uno cards with her name scribbled on them to make her feel just fine about it.

I'm so thankful for our staff. I'm so thankful for Kayla right now. She's asleep next to me. I'm happy the semester's over, looking forward to going home, excited for next semester... it's time, though, to start spending some very quality time with God.

walk it off

How everyone else finished their semester:

How I finished mine:

it would make me feel a lot better to post a suspect list

kylee german allison schroer

anne johns kayla johnson

kelly koch matt lutz

mike conner chris arney

kyle kunzmann jeanette jain

elle kernitz katelyn barnhart

nick rassi emilie schrock

julie schultz shara mcclanahan

lindsay britton emily larson

lauren rudd danielle faust

noelle hagen OR zach aument

someone up there sent me an encouragement package. one day i'll find them out.

for now, i'll continue the zombie routine.

Noname.

One day, Noname will have a name. Hopefully one day soon. Have I not introduced Noname? Well, Noname is my new little white elephant teapot. We don't have time to talk because I'm doing a whole semester project tonight.

This is my second all-nighter. Or am I not allowed to call it an all-nighter because I slept for an hour between 6:30 am and 7:30 am?

Either way. I drank a lot of Noname tea and I'm buckling in for... completion.

I'm so tired.

To the Teapot Bandit: You are legit. You are deeply appreciated. And I am deeply curious.

headbeatswall... headbeatswall... headbeatswall

Inside jokes that Anne and I think are REALLY funny at 3 am... that are based on true stories.

"UhhhIII overdosed my roommate on Advil... do I still haveta write this paper?"

"Uhhhmmyy roommate ate an entire box of Hersey's kisses with the aluminum... do I still haveta write this paper?"

"Uhhhmmyy roommate cut of the circulation in their toe with a balloon and had to get it amputated... do I still haveta write this paper?"

Anne also started curiously poking at her head as I was telling her about Mark Twain, then in the middle of a sentence she violently smacked herself in the forehead. There was something, she said, in there... and it just kept... doing things.

I fished a painkiller out of my pocket for her knees and an advil for her head... so hopefully those go just fine together. I'm picturing myself sitting in the emergency room with my laptop, writing a paper. It's comical. But cry-now/laugh-later comical.

'kay, more writing. Haven't stopped working. Don't remember since when.

at Starbucks

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alne is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. -Psalm 62:5-8

0_o

I'm the old man in the Ocean Spray commercial. Except substitute "projects/reports" for cranberries.

I'm Tom Hanks in Apollo 13 when the crew shuts down the lunar module, signs off, and drifts in space with zero communication.

survival mode

Sleep is scarce. Appetite is foreign. Certain necessities have become mechanical. Work is my life-blood. Being dramatic is fun at 2 am.

It is snowing blizzally outside. I've just invented a new adverb. There are almost 200 feet of Christmas lights hanging between my window and South hall.

We sang "12 Days of CheckOut" for the freshmen. I wore someone's footy pajamas. Loved every moment. Sometimes I have to do things that aren't homework. Look at me. I'm not a robot. I'm much too cute to be a robot.

... okay. Back to work.

wuh-PSH!

Noelle Hagen smacked me in the face today. Metaphorically. I've been woken up from my Puddleglummyness, glimpsed at the joy I've had, and am juuust motivated enough to launch myself into a duel with homework.

Luckily, I've got my PU-36 SPACE MODULATORRR.

in the world of wayside

Today has not gone as planned. Not that there was a plan. But if there had been a plan, the results would've been different. Today was a wayside day.

I should've coasted through Mark Twain because I didn't read our 19 chapters of homework. But I got the golden seat next to Tim Esh, struggled through our chat, and got an "A+" in discussion.

I should've been perfect for my practicum lesson because it took me hours to prepare. I did very well, but should've included more student activity and wait time. My cooperating teacher told my adjunct professor that I've been tired and not-all-there lately. I should have been communicating with her about my shingles and work load. I had to explain that I was a hard worker and not a party-er.

I should've read When You Reach Me before dinner. But I got stopped by Nick and Mike and talked into playing a couple games of spicey uno. It was very relaxing, but afterwards I fell asleep... curled up in a ball.. on an armchair in McConn.

Should've finished my 10 page research paper by now. Should've written my practicum journal and had my other journals made up. Should've written my scholarship letter. Should've begun my English Ed Philosophy paper. Should've started my reading to lead Thursday's Mark Twain seminar. Should've finished my metacognitive papers by now.

Should've, should've, should've.

Imma bathe this in peace. Rejoice in the Lord. Don't be anxious in anything. Be thankful! Pray! God's peace transcends understanding.

crunch time.

I feel like Hogarth Hughs on coffee right now. In fact, "Hogarth Huges on coffee" is pretty much synonymous with "Bethany Mueller on coffee."

So I'm here at Paynes with Lauren "the boy scout" Rudd, Kayla "gnome" Johnson, and Danielle "ADD" Faust. It's a beautiful celebration. A celebration of Crunch Time. A time when I eat apple walnut paninis (WHUUUT) and drink irish creme coffee and squirm around in a booth until Kayla tells me to hold my feet still. The snow hushes the stress beautifully.

Here is a quote:

Kayla: Why are you on facebook??

Danielle: ... I was takin' a break.

Kayla: You're life is a break.

Here is today's to-do list:

-First 5 pages of paper for Mark Twain seminar (I would say, "sem" like some casual honors college kid... but I'm a regular old kid.)

-300 pages of The Mysterious Benedict Society

-Read 100 pages of When You Reach Me

-Grade a couple metacognitive papers

Tomorrow's:

-Second 5 pages of Mark Twain paper

-Read last 100 pages of When You Reach Me

-Begin yet another adolescent lit book (get half-way)

-Write a lesson plan and a post test for practicum

-Read No. 44 chapters 1-19

Tuesday's:

-Finish that last adolescent lit. book

-Write a report on my adolescent lit. books

-Write a Philosophy of English Education paper

-Read No. 44 chapters 20-34

Wednesday's:

-Write Eve character analysis paper

-THEMATIC UNIT

... that's as far as I'm thinking right now. And I have no idea if I have any tests this week... :)

3 days, 2 all nighters.

You know that part in Indiana Jones where Harrison Ford has to walk across a bridge that looks invisible? I feel like that's where I am. I'm a couple steps on the bridge... and I look down... and there's nothing holding me up! But there I am! Phew.

At the end of this all, I'll compile a list of what was accomplished by Divine power over this short period of time. Seriously. Divine. God is getting alllll the glory on this one.

hyperbole isn't even possible

I can't express how much work I have to do. It's inexpressible. I've never heard anyone tell me they had this much work. I've never encountered this much work. I genuinely might have to re-take a couple classes if I don't get all this done.

I'm not upset! I'm just so overwhelmed that my emotions have gone on screensaver mode. My brain is a dead man walking.

I am a small bug under a piano. If someone could play Rhapsody in Blue whilst I leak my little bug juices, I would appreciate it.

after a covenant on "joy"

Heavy. Lots of heavy topics seeping in from the unit. My brain is full of all this depressing molasses. Super Bethany (one day there will be a picture) would micro-manage! She would leap buildings and hop McConn lines just for the smile on the face of a resident!

But Super Bethany is... unfortunately... a myth. I put that cape away long ago... and probably donated it to Goodwill during one of the plethora of clothing drives (good work, OC's. Good work).

And this Bethany's got molasses on the brain. And she's tired. Apparently just tired from a sudden "SHINGLES" attack. But tired nonetheless.

There's so much anxiety and depression and suicide and death and broken families and broken relationships and skewed perspectives. Satan, you're holding a sick kaleidoscope in front of our world. And we're convinced that all we're meant for is to deal with the shards.

There's so much to take care of here and, when break comes, so much to deal with there. Give me my joy! What does joy mean right now? Maybe that's this year's lesson. Last year it was love. Now it might be joy.

I'm thankful for my parents and Ben. I'm thankful for the staff. I'm thankful for Kayla. I'm thankful for Anne. I'm thankful for Kelly and her engagement. I'm thankful for the Koches. I'm thankful for my few South hall friends. I'm thankful for my talents. I'm thankful for grace. I'm thankful for my practicum class. I'm thankful for Nick, Chelsea, Spencer, Christine, and Matt. I'm thankful for IWU. I'm thankful for my job. I'm thankful that things have been so much heavier and God has given me joy. He has saved me from death and sustained me in the face of death. He has not lied. He will not lie. He is my joy.

ironic

I'm writing an entire thematic unit on motivation and I... have no motivation. I think I lost it amidst the 5 or 6 or 7 other papers that I need to write and the 9 or 10 metacognitive papers that I need to grade.

But how? How can it be done? How do I trick my attitude from looking at the unit plan with contempt into LOVING it?! There must be some mystery factor I'm not thinking of...

She gave a mouse a cookie

I am the mouse. Or in this case, bridesmaid. And the dress was the cookie. One moment I was looking at different styles (under the constraints of "black")... the next moment, I was looking at umbrellas and other knick knacks. Far... far from applicable. Unless! We carry the umbrellas down the isle. Like some sort of weather-usurping bouquet. .... no? Alright then.

I'm not a big gift person. I don't like "stuff" because "stuff" clutters. I like things that are practical -- that I'll use 1,001 times.

Things like comfy sweaters. Or a whale measuring cup.

Old Bethany would've wanted books. New Bethany wouldn't want them because you only need to read a book once. Newer Bethany wants a library, if only for her classroom.

In all honesty, I think some of the best gifts I've been given have been given during a not-holiday. Just Becauses are the best. They're so much more rare, but they're intentional and applicable.

BUT! But... my favorite gift ever is one I've never held. Dozens have given it to me, and a handful have given it to me well. I can wrap it around me like a blanket and feel totally comfortable. I can talk to it and be heard. I can sit with it silently without any inhibitions. I can cook with it, play with it, sing with it, create with it, laugh with it... I've even cried with it. I'm thankful for your Time, friends. It is my most precious gift. :)

ehhSCAHpayyy

I've escaped. I'm bunkered in the Koch house. The same house it's been since I was born. Kindleburger Park is still a block away... that little library is still a few doors down... the porch is still cold... and the kitchen still has fruit wallpaper. I'm home. The boys go about their movies and cards with their friends and girlfriends. I listen to mom and pop talk about Kelly's engagement. They've fed me with pizza and salad and kiwi and nutella and pretzels. I've showered (finally!). Joey's curled up at the foot of the bed. Kelly's room is still lavender and her bedspread is still pink.

I have a long... long list of things to get done. But for just a little while, I'm going to bask in this. You know, this is the only consistent "place" I've ever known. This house gives me a sense of place. I know several people who give me a sense of place, but very few locations.

There are some things that I want to write, but I won't. Not now. Something I will say that I want is Brave at Sea's music. I really like their sound. :)

Here's to the moments that feel like this:

the time is inevitable

It's 4 am and I'm reading Mark Twain.

"It may be that such an opinion has been born somewhere, at some time or other, but I suppose it got away before they could catch it and stuff it and put it in the museum."

... thought that was interesting.

breaking point

I didn't think I was going to have a nervous breakdown. The closest thing I've gotten to that is a quiet, tired stupor. But I think we're gettin' there. This particular situation's got all the fixin's for some good ol'... curl-up-in-a-ball-and-weep. Right now I'm too tired to cry. So that's good, right? Can someone adopt my unit for like two weeks while I isolate myself in a homework cave? I love them a lot and having to escape constantly makes me feel like they don't deserve me right now.

The amount of love, support, and encouragement that I have received this semester is mind boggling. My mind is boggled. And it's funny, because I feel as though the words of encouragement/etc came riiiight as I was maybe thinking about being very stressed out. They caught me so early that I was always caught before I felt utterly buried. I just spent a full minute trying to figure out how to spell "buried." But now, by no fault of anyone outside of myself, I'm drowning. I'm deep down and I just had that lung-jerking realization that I'm probably going to have to inhale before I reach the surface. Encouragement is still there. Love is still evident. My friends and family support me. But external forces don't seem to hold much weight. If anything, "You're doing good" sounds like a lie and "Baby steps" sounds like an ignorant diagnosis.

And NOW there's some chick in the study lounge talking to her boyfriend on Skype. Lights blaring -- voice squawking. I don't know if she noticed my bungalow. I don't know HOW she could miss it. There are three sets of shoes, a coat, a stack of 20 (literal) books, a heavy backpack, a laptop, a mug, papers, notepads... I felt personally affronted. It took me six trips to get everything out of there. .... I'll stop.

I'm grumpy to the point that a good church dinner and a successful Deck the Halls event mean zilch to me right now. They took up time.

cryptic, exhausted musings

I am completely supported by everyone around me and by God. I know I am loved and that I have so much. Otherwise, I feel like a floppy, heavy sandbag. I have thousands of grains of work stuck inside of me, waiting to be poured out. And I will pour. But the process is painful. Emotionally and physically I am weak. Psychologically, I am confused. Spiritually, I am desperate.

Note to self: I dream my fears. Am I living them?

memorial

Tonight I wept for the unsurrendered. Tonight I realized how lost the world is. Tonight I realized how blind the Church allows people to be.

Father, save your children. And save me from apathy.

Good grief, I...

... took a world lit test and a french test. I didn't really study for either of them... and I actually fell asleep for a second in the middle of my french test. We don't know why. I got 8 hours of sleep last night.

... got blood drawn today to see why I've been so tired during the day. Kayla held my hand. I didn't cry. I'm an adult.

... think I broke out in hives this weekend because of stress.

... am leading Mark Twain seminar, teaching my practicum students, and teaching my 45 minute micro lesson in Methods tomorrow.

If I can write a lesson plan before 8, I will be GOLDEN gate bridge. I'm going to start devoting an hour every day to my thematic unit.

Climbing Mt. Homework

Hi. My name is Homework. I have a pet short-haired homework. I ate homework for dinner today. I drank tea and with a spoonful of homework. Sometimes, I take a homework break and do homework. I made a homework list and laughed homeworkingly. If I finish my homework, I'll post my homeworkish accomplishments. That will be my homework reward.

Homeworkingly yours,

Bethany

a toast for toast

You found it amazing when I embraced you in your vulnerability.

It was God, yes. But remember-

long before I accepted your all

you welcomed my silly putty self.

You- spilling over with opinions and passions and interests;

with connections, friends, and street smarts.

Me- with shreds of identity leftover from life experiences;

superglued together with a matte layer of sarcasm.

You're a critic. You've got a Nick shaped filter

and I've no clue how I slipped through-

and through- and through-

I'd been waiting to slide down some side-shoot

to leave room for someone better.

You like to keep company with the best.

But you find the most unique bests-

you're a true scout. Especially when you decided on God's company.

You're one of my best friends.

You've got talent and vision and an eye for potential:

something you saw in me.

Encourager. Accepter. Giver. Laugher.

I hope living the life of an artist

focuses your God's-eye vision of the world. Of you. Of others.

Happy 21st birthday. Make good choices, keep good company, laugh good laughs. Here's to a blessed 21 years, and here's hoping God gives you 21 more.

sunday

This weekend has been delightful. But because I'm short on time, I'm just going to write words to describe Friday, Saturday, and today.

Snickers bar. Bananagrams. FNL. Skype. Dutch blitz. Billy. Tarzan. Laundrylaundrylaundrylaundry. Church membership meeting. Genesis 2. Taco Bell. Audio Candide. Sculpt. Mark Twain. Tea.

plenty

I've had several good conversations over the past week. Some with staff, some with girls in the unit. Vulnerability and God's love have been popping up all over the place. I've seen people utterly shocked by the gravity of God's love and I've experienced literal acts of God's love. For example: today I got a zebra at McConn. I've been very tired lately and Zach, who was working in McConn, saw the look on my face and asked me, "If you could have any candy bar in the world right now, what would it be?" I said an almond snickers, because it reminds me of my dad. Then he made a drink for me and asked if it tasted like an almond snickers. :)

Our staff retreat was a great rest and so much fun. I really enjoyed Chicago. Even though I wouldn't consider myself a city person, I felt kind of at home in the city. I've been missing home here and there.

I'm leading discussion in Mark Twain and TEACHING MY FIRST LESSON IN THE CLASSROOM TOMORROW. Which I'm a little bit nervous about, needless to say.

I'm equally nervous because Noelle wants me to go to the Health Center tomorrow and get blood drawn because she thinks there's something wrong with me. I've got some symptoms of anemia, some type of vitamin deficiency, or mono. I dunno, I think I'm just tired. And I hate, hate, hate needles.

Besides that, though, I'm so thankful for every one of my residents, every one of my staff members/friends/relationships, all my classes, my major, my God... I am SOO lucky to be an RA and to be at IWU and to have the relationships that I do at home and here. I want it to be forever. But you know what's cool? I thought the same thing about high school and college is even better. I think if I stay Bethany, I'll like post-college too. Or post-first-year-of-teaching. :)

It whips ma HAIR back n' forth

I think culture's done a good job of dealing with the psychological damage that natural disaster movies have done. My mind goes to The Day After Tomorrow and Twister, but feel free to let your noodle wander where it may.

So when, in reality, the sky begins to darken at midday and the wind whips debris in panicked cirles and rain pounds its fists on the window panes... you want to get dramatic. In the movies, people hush commands to loved ones and action skyrockets. I've gotta admit, it takes a little bit of self restraint for me to keep my adrenaline from taking me places. At heart, I'm just a little kid. For the most part, I don't see any of that from anyone else. When disaster brushes by, people keep calm and take a precaution or two. I'm glad I'm the only one who's been ruined.

We had a tornado warning and some torrential rain the other day. People in the student center were put in the banquet rooms and classes were moved to the stairwells. I can't lie even a little bit -- when I went around the dorm and asked girls to go to first floor, I felt a little epic inside.

The wind's been crazy ever since. It whips my hair back n' forth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymKLymvwD2U

Danielle loves John Wayne

Stop crushing on OLD, DEAD PEOPLE!!!! -Kayla Johnson

PS- At Anne's prompting, Danielle, Anne, and myself went to Walmart and got legiiiiit sweatpants for 5 bucks. They're soft and they have pockets and they have stretchy ankle bottoms and they're soft on the inside and they're boys extra large. Woooo!

Get ready, 7:50 club. We're wearin' our sweats and white v-necks. Kick it.

It's a disease

I have a love/hate relationship with Mark Twain. He is an antagonistic genius and I am simultaneously in awe of his pen and distanced by his manipulation. It's almost as though I'm a baby bird in Mark Twain seminar. I open my little beak and food is regurgitated into my throat so fast that I have just a second to enjoy it before- UGUCKACK! I choke. And still the food comes.

I finished all of my reading for the class yesterday. Not only is that on time... it's early. Release the doves and saddle up the horses, I was ready to live happily ever after! A smile plastered on my face, I decided that I would use my breath of fresh air to check my e-mail. There was one message in bold, sitting heavy as it waited to be opened. Inside was a list of five additional sources to read for our next class. Shoot.

Welp, as the discussion leader, I've got another 40-some pages to swallow. It's no wonder I've got Twain on the brain.

(2 hours later: Let me give you a little taste of the odd place I've found myself today. All of the articles about Mark Twain's graphic 1601 are decently colorful. Here is an excerpt from my readings.

"Nearly every visual artist... has been drawn to the erotic and the pornographic. So have literary artists throughout human history. Sometimes the urge has been to stimulate the genitals; sometimes the urge has been to stimulate the mind. Since the mind and the genitals are part of one organism, why distinguish between masturbatory dreams and aesthetic ones? Surely there is also an aesthetic of masturbation that our society is too sex-negative to explore." Thank you, Erica Jong, scholar and sexual optimist.")

Watch your butt.

So I was ambushed yesterday by some girls in my unit who said, and I quote, "YOU GOTTA WATCH YOUR BUTT -- YOU'RE ON THE LIST!"

The Hodson guys are playing nerf gun assassin. You get a name of someone to assassinate, the first time you hit them they're wounded. The second time they're dead. Then you have to try and kill the person they were trying to kill. You work your way down the line until you're the last one standing.

Some of my girls decided our unit was going to play our own version of the game. Instead of shooting each other with nerf guns ("Like idiots," they said), we're going to slap each other's backsides. So last night I picked a name and I'm on a mission. If I didn't know the girl well before, I'll know her now.

Point being, when all's said and done, I might just have the best unit on campus. And even though they llama call at me from a distance and pin me to the floor and tickle me... they're now all slinking through campus: shifty-eyed, paranoid, and industriously watching their butts.

ah!

I can't believe I didn't call Shelty today!

discovery

I've discovered that if my blog post has a picture, people comment on it.

So I'm going to keep it short and sweet: I slept, canoed, and communed with God during Hall Day Away. Kayla, Mike, Ben (cool kid/possible genius), and I played cards. I've been tearing through "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Don Miller. Legit book. Parts of it are my life's philosophy. So I googled the book title and I'm adding the first photo that made me smile. I'm calling California friends tomorrow. LOOK OUT.

Chewing

In Huck Finn, the reddest of necks gnaw on "chaws" of tobacco. This morning, I was chewing on a chaw of scripture.

"No longer be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Don't be conformed. Got it. Be transformed. Okay. BY renewing your mind... I feel like renewing implies a continual process... I don't think I had ever thought of that. It's like... pretend I'm red. The color red. And I want to be transformed into orange. So I do my devotions and put a drop of metaphorical yellow into myself. I don't know. I feel like if I want to be wholly transformed, I'll keep up that process. My humanity continually grows and branches and produces actions that make me more and more red -- so how can I not continue the process of squeezing that little dye bottle?

The metaphor isn't poetic, but that was my brain fetus this morning. I was not transformed into a creature of God when I accepted Christ. I was rather transformed into God's creature. The difference is that I had the ability to BECOME a creature of God. I allowed God to open my little soul's lid so He could pour down some of His goodness. I had something to accept and something to ask for when I received salvation. I haven't been renewing my mind. But I'd considered myself transformed. I'd never thought of this verse that way.

you had to be there. so i'll explain.

"ICE CREAM MESSAGE!" -ashley harris

mike kept throwing chex mix at people and saying "chex message." ashley got fed up and pretended to throw her push pop at him and yelled this statement

"Guys, I'm sorry if you really thought we were going to swim in the President's hot tub. But I have good news - the romance is still alive." -noelle hagen

our pre-covenant e-mail said to bring a bathing suit to covenant. well, i don't have one here in indiana. i stopped bringing one after two years of swimlessness. AND i figured she was being facetious. emily larson, however, wore one to covenant and proceeded to get pretty dannng miffed. noelle told us that relationships can get stagnant if you don't mix things up. good thing she's keeping the romance alive on staff.

me: "HOUSE!!!"

kayla: "AHHHH!"

it's been at least two weeks. kayla plays the same song every time i'm in her car. it sounded SO familiar and i couldn't think where i'd heard it. i thought it was a movie, but i refused to guess because i wanted to get it right the first time. today, kayla turned up the song and in the middle of her saying, "Alriiiight - what's it from?" it CAME TO ME. I immediately shouted "HOUSE" and she almost swerved off the road and wet her pants. Sweet victory.

"like summa camp in costal states"

This is why IWU is fun (Primary sources -- from last night):

The diversity coordinators wanted to put together an event called "Love Blindly," so they put on a black light party in South hall. People highlighted and signed each others shirts and drank glowy energy drinks and played glow in the dark ping pong. And since "no dancing" is still in the handbook, people came up with some pretty ridiculous choreographed stuff. I saw a conga line, a circle of macarina dancers, and even a group pumping up "Father Abraham." I loved the self-control hahaha. I'm not a party person, but it was great to see.

Ping pong is kind of a big thing in North and South hall. I rarely played ever before this year, but now I play once or twice a week -- usually when I'm on duty and hang around the lobby anyway. I beat Matt 4-3 (games). Mwahahaaa. We played around the world. I played Danielle and Sarah. Sarah and Jill are Kayla's friends from North Carolina. They drove 12 hours to visit! They'd never been. Sarah is super competitive and her energy is so channelled. I feel like if her body expressed what was inside of her, she would be CRAZY. And Jill has the funniest, dryest sense of humor ever.

At 12:30, we drove to Kokomo to Dirty Dan's Donuts, which opens at 1 am. Legit donuts. Then we drove back. I was in bed until like 3. Anne's just getting out of the shower. It's been a slow start, but I'm going to go lock myself in the library until it closes. Then tomorrow, I'll do another 5 or 6 hours. Then I should be caught up and ready to go for Monday. Question mark.

Sidenote about life: Everything's up in the air. Name an aspect of life. It's up. But as any good juggler knows, I've just gotta wait for something to come down -- then the comfort of a pattern begins.

Peace, love, and coldplay.

question

would you be disappointed in me if i dropped education?

this is how i feel

this is how i'd like to feel

Anne's rubber cement

has been out and about for a while. She's been working on projects all night. The life of an art major: intentional, focused, sometimes-forced creativity. You have to turn yourself into a machine. An impressive, colorful, visionary machine.

I'm praying about my major. I've learned something extremely important -- you can teach LIFE lessons extemporaneously, but in order to be a great teacher, you've got to plan, plan, plan, plan. One of the reasons I've not wanted to go into art or writing is because it forces my creativity into a focus. I've realized that this is not only the same... but also takes a lot more study of theory, a lot more metacognitive thinking, and so many more hoops to jump through. I know all the right things to say and a lot of the right ways to go about things, but... do I want to be a teacher? I'm not panicking about this or anything, but I'm being very intentional about reflecting.

I'm going to have clean laundry tonight. Oh happy day.

as we do homework in noelle's apartment

A couple quotes

Bethany: "... can fish drown?"

Emily: "............... what kind of question is that?"

Danielle: "Feel this thing on my stomach."

Bethany: "UGH! Sick! What IS that??"

Danielle: "It's like this thing that pokes out sometimes."

Bethany: "That sounds like a hernia --"

Danielle: "OH! Is THAT my hernia??"

Danielle: "Wanna see somethin' else?"

Kayla: "NO!"

Danielle: "See this big scar?"

Bethany: "... yeah..."

Danielle: "That wasn't there when I was born. My mom's kinda worried about it. THAT'S what I thought my hernia was."

A reflection

Anne has up-chucked 7 times today and counting. She's been a trooper about it. A droopy-eyed, dehydrated trooper. ... make that 8 times.

let me just tell you 7 things

Last night I made cookies, sat in the silence of the lobby in front of the fire and read until... sometime after 3 am. All I know is that I had a couple of vivid dreams and SNORK -- woke up with a jerk. It was 4:45 in the morning and the fire was still on and I was still sitting up with the computer in my lap. Thing one: Mark Twain, you're exhausting.

The 7:50 club, as usual, was a saving grace. All of our faces have a range of scrunched up, raisin-y, drunken smiles. It's early. Thing two: Friends are an instant pick-me-up.

I got to eat dinner with Kayla today above the Globe. Just like old times. We talked about how our relationship has shifted since we're not roommates anymore. We ate pizza and waved at people. Thing three: Change isn't just a shift, but a chance for growth.

Kyle Kunzmann ran up to Anne and I today because he got a facebook request from Unattractive Llama. Frame photos --> floor photos --> ransom notes --> wall photos --> door photos --> mailbox photos --> e-mail photos --> facebook photos. Thing four: Llama appearance venues are running low.

Kayla, Anne, and I went to McConn and all studied in our favorite places. Homework curled up by the fireplace is a two-sided coin. The side with Abraham Lincoln's face on it is that the fire is warm and the chair is comfortable. I can prop a book on my lap and highlight away. The side with the building on it is that the warm, comfy fire makes me fall asleep. In a public place. Where lots of people can see me. Thing five: Having an opportunity to get work done the slow way is calming.

It's fall and the leaves are changing and the fires are bonning. I got to wear gloves tonight. Our room smells like sweet spiced pumpkin. Thing six: It's a new season and I love it.

Emily Larson's unit is going through a tough time. God is allowing them to be snapped broken like a vanilla wafer, and they're crumbling. One of the girls' dad passed away suddenly this morning, other girls are physically afflicted, others are struggling with guilt and shame, and Emily herself has been spiritually attacked, even in her dreams. Today Kayla, Danielle, and I held Emily and then made a snap decision: it was time to run away. We threw on whatever shoes were closest, opened the window, hopped out, and ran to the soccer fields. No residents, no homework -- just the stars. We laid down on the dugout and watched the stars. We sang to God, prayed, said bits of verses, talked, and gave everything to God. Then the biggest, longest, brightest shooting star any of us have ever seen flew across the sky. Thing seven: God is here. We are broken little bits who have found wholeness in Him. He told us tonight.

definition: content.

I think contentedness is a... a delightful thing. Contentedness is not necessarily feeling comfortable, but rather being comfortable even when a situation is not perfect. Or rather, it is seeing the goodness of a situation.

I can recall many times when I have been in a room or a car with friends. I can picture this in my mind's eye:

Everyone is laughing or talking or cooking or singing and I am silent. I close my eyes and reflect on the fact that I belong in that situation. I am loved and I love in return. Sometimes they've asked me why I'm quiet -- but most of the time they let me curl up contentedly in my thankfulness. I am allowed to simply "be" with them.

I'm sitting in the semi-dark lobby. It's almost 2 am. It's been an odd day and I'll be up for another hour or two doing homework. But there's peace in the silence and the fire's glowing on the mantle words "... remain in His love..." And I will. So here I sit,

content.

i got a llama in the mail

Before I got a llama in the mail, I stayed up until 5 doing homework. It was the most delightful all(most) nighter I've ever pulled. Kayla stayed up with me in Noggle, I got a lot done, we went to Taco Bell, and I sent a girl to the hospital (Libby, Ashley, and Jess were the BEST sports about it. They were legitimately so awesome about Libby's pseudo-appendicitis).

7:50 Mark Twain class -- NAILED IT. Discussion grade: Ace.

Slept through practicum -- not awesome! But I sent an e-mail! So no biggie!

Major homework cram!! Pro-duc-tiv-ity.

English meeting. Free "English Grammar for Dummies" book. It's like they know me.

Methods class -- COASTED beautifully. Learned things. Turned things in. Bam.

Whoever stuck this in my mailbox: Oh my goodness.

Whoever sent this in my mailbox: :)

look at the birds of the air

they're fed. they're clothed. and they're just birds.

aren't you more valuable? what a waste to worry. will it give you more time? another moment even?

seek God first and he will provide.

Matthew 6:25-34

what DO i want?

give me Jesus.

reset

I was originally dressed in khaki-panted luncheon attire today. But, as my e-mail so calmly informed me, the banquet is at noon on Thursday... September 30th. I figured, since I was so far ahead of the game, that I would wait to dress up until the day before or the day of. That seems more appropriate.

SO! It's Plaid Thursday. I'm cleaning my room in order to a) find my plaid and, b) regain my sanity. I'm hoping that I lost it (my sanity) in the laundry or under the Spiderman kite or behind the cardboard table or inside one of the jackets of my Twain library.

Two anecdotes. OR! Twain anecdotes. Twain means two. Did you know that?

1. I woke up the other day and told Anne that I had to spread the ashes because we were going to play a board game.

2. I woke up this morning and asked Anne why there was a grape popsicle in my bed. The funny thing about that was that there really was a grape popsicle in my bed.

One photo. I found this on my door today:

the prodigal phone

I gave it everything -- all my contacts, my safety, my security. It left. Hidden. Gone in the shadows of a passenger seat.

Today it returned. Let us kill the fattened calf.

lost,

my phone is.

pre-sleep anthem

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”- Philippians 2:3-4

I should stop every 15 minutes and say this to myself. Daily.

thankful

Here are things I am thankful for, just pulled from today:

1. The 7:50 club and getting McConn with them 2. Doing well in discussion even when I haven't done all the reading 3. Talking to old friends on the phone, if only for a few minutes 4. Wildcat, which I admittedly think is delicious 5. Our staff and their willingness to fill in for me when I want to do the stupidest things on my on-duty night 6. Anne, my roommate, who reads the Iliad with me 7. For Cat (and the unit), who told me in passing that she was talking to someone about whether or not the girls in our unit could sign up to all live in the same place again next year! 8. Mike, my brother RA, who gives me bread sticks 9. Kayla, who wanders straight into the room and sits on the couch, which makes me happy always 10. For Ben, who is my family and acknowledges it every once and a while in his own sweet way

11. Does staff breakfast tomorrow make me thankful? Well, I'm thankful that I can take a nap after it's over. How about that?

OH. For time with Jesus this morning. Breath of fresh air. I need to return the Bible to the prayer chapel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUwRX2HPLKY

Darren made a comment this morning at Downtown about the "boy" in the feeding of the five thousand. It didn't matter that the boy had 5ish loaves of bread and 2ish fish. He could've had loads of bread or no bread at all. You plus Christ equals abundance.

Come to Christ, Bethany, when you are weary. When you are heavy laden. When you are discouraged. Bring Him your crumbs and your minnow and He will respond in miraculous ways. He will. He will. He will.

Our first BroSo day went swimmingly. The turnout was great, it wasn't super awkward, volleyball/4 on a blanket/catch phrase was confusing but fun. The only downsides were personal: I have an aversion to losing and I really struggle with kinesthetic self consciousness. Otherwise, though! It was encouraging and exciting to begin to get to know the E3W guys!

Homework time! :)

-peter pan

"Girls talk too much."

bonding

My role will be different this year than it was last year. Because I'm an RA and not a chaplain, but also because I'm a junior. The gap widened a little bit and I feel surprisingly comfortable with being a mentor, a supporter, a friend... last year I would've wanted to be best friends with all these girls. And I think we will be good friends, but I'm actually okay with the little bit of distance that comes with more experience on my part.

Making t-shirts ended up being amazingly time consuming but totally worth it. The shirts ended up being a catalyst for participation -- we had enough girls for a team with a couple leftover to cheer. I was uuuuutterly shocked. Our unit, North Hall East 3 West, got 2nd in Lodge Ball!!! They were beasts and they got to know each other. They added each other on facebook, took pictures, and gabbed afterwards.

Tonight, I didn't see the girls at all and I was nervous that no one was going to want to make the boat. I put the cardboard out and put a sign on it that we'd make a boat at 10 pm. I didn't see any girls around, so I went downstairs and didn't come back up until 10:30, where there was a half a dozen girls sitting on the floor... just waiting... for me to tell them what to do. I almost cried. Not really. But my heart leaped about 5 feet. I showed the girls pictures of a boat that had won a couple years ago, and they set to work making something similar. I didn't even stay the whole time -- I went to Walmart (twice) for duct tape and visited the Tasty Cake at SHCE 3W. The girls took pictures, made popcorn, ate chocolate, sang songs... my heart melllllttted. I really like them. They're so open to relationships. I'm looking forward to getting to know them! I have to remember that initiating things with them is important -- that's my role right now.

They're looking forward to interacting with our brother unit. I talked several times about the great opportunities that friendships can bring in a supportive brother/sister dealio... the fact that they can automatically be friends if they accept each other for their uniqueness and, in that way, will be able to encourage one another to grow. Two of my girls went home this weekend, but they're coming back early intentionally so they don't miss our first brother/sister unit event.

Anne just put salt in a cut she has in her mouth. Because she's a crazy.

I'm sitting next to Kayla on the couch. It feels good and normal and comfy. I'm listening to Fidelity by Regina Spektor. It's one of my favorites. I like the bouncy little tune. I feel like it could be the background to my life sometimes. Not the words, the tune. Kayla's making jokes. She's being a joker. Which, I recently learned, is apparently different from being a jokeSTER. But I still love her. :)

challenges and gifts

This is pre-all-nighter act of catharsis.

Challenges. I walked out of my 7:50 Mark Twain Seminar class on Tuesday with the following assignment: watch 3 youtube videos, overview 3 databases, read a 30 page article, read 4 short stories, update the online encyclopedia, and write a 4 page paper... due Thursday. Go. Oh, it was utterly laughable. I'm interested in Mark Twain and I like a challenge, but I'm also an RA in a freshmen dorm. So, I took a deep breath.

I then walked into my night class, Methods of Teaching English. It began with a panel of students who had taken the class last semester. They did reassure us that the class was utterly worthwhile and entirely vital. They also used phrases like "blood and tears" and described their different phases of mental/emotional breakdowns. The syllabus was not a syllabus. It was a literal folder. It outlined all of the work that I would do this semester in the class, and it was packaged like raw meat... I visualized it dripping with my blood and tears and making that bright red folder soggy. I walked out of the class and my brain was soggy. I journalled during the break my desire to drop my major. I journalled my feelings of inadequacy -- too intellectual for my relational friends and not intellectual enough for my scholarly peers.

Blessings.

I walked back to my dorm and there was an encouraging note in the shape of an inside joke sitting on my chair. There was also a snack. I've been ridiculously blessed with an uplifting brother RA.

Today I got a package in the mail from one of my best friends. It was an I-saw-it-and-thought-of-you gift. A half a cup. I would rather get one I-thought-of-you gift a year than 1000 presents because of a birthday or holiday. How special. :)

Even though it took a lot of time out of my day, making shirts ended up being a great catalyst for Lodge Ball today. I got to give a screamy pep speech, watch the girls win, and jump up and down with them. They bonded, took pictures, and added each other on facebook. I couldn't be more happy with them. I also go to see the most epic Lodge Ball game ever. David Goodwin is RIDICULOUS. Nikki covered for me that whole time on my first on duty night. She was so great to volunteer -- I didn't even ask.

Elle and Jeanette brought Anne and I McConn "just because." Two years ago, they were in our exact positions. I love the tradition behind that. I love that we were friends before it even happened. I love that I'm sipping on a 16 oz zebra at the beginning of a long night.

I love my Anne's, I love my Allison's, I love my Kayla's, I love my staffs, I love my brothers, I love my residents, I - LOVE - MY - WHOLE - DORM. I can do anything, yeah yeah, I can do anything good.......

wooooooo

I'm jazzed. I'm jazzed about this year. This year's gunna be a good, good year.

Our staff is crazy-awesome. The diversity is beautiful. We're introverts, extroverts, creative, straight-forward, organized, spacey, loud, quiet -- everything. Our brother staff is ridiiiicuuulous -- I'm not sure I've ever met a more chivalrous group of guys. They're also kind of hilarious. And they have brains. With the combined powers of NOeast and SOeast, we make one sick group of people. The good sick. Obviously. I've only talked briefly with girls on my unit, but I have a good feeling about them. I hope I'm right! OH! I'm so glad I'm rooming with Anne and right down the hall from Kayla. AND everyone and their dog lives in the Lodges! There are so many pros to this year. And WILDCAT IS OPEN! And MCCONN IS OPEN! Man, I'm jazzed.

Today I was part of a scavenger hunt. It was the most beautiful, breezy day I think I've ever had the pleasure of enjoying. I sat outside of Williams prayer chapel and had teams find the word "goat" in a weird Bible. :) Somewhere at the luau, there was someone with a "Subtraction" name tag... but I never found them. So I, "Addition," was left forlorn. Not really.

Chris, Kyle, Ben Tyler, Zach Arneson, Nick Rassi, Anne, Emily, and I went to Starbucks, Taco Bell, split cars, and back to North Hall to play cards. Hailey and I got destroyyyed at Egyptian rat screw by Rachel and Mike. Next time, I'm going to win. Decision made.

Tomorrow begins classes. The 7:50 club is meeting at the Bricks to walk. If I go to sleep now, I'll get 7 hours. AH.