advent mentality

"It's like heartache and disappointment frame our story of faith from Genesis all the way up to today... In the story of God and His relationship with mankind, it is often the infertile soil that God plants his seed into in order to bring life... so that the soil can't take the credit." -Pastor Steve Madden

In which Christmas break started early...

Friday was the last day of school. FORTUNATELY FOR THIS TEACHER, a colossal cold front froze the roads and "FRIday" turned into "SNOWday." I leapt down the stairs shouting, said goodbye to Kayla, then leapt back up the stairs to sleep in.

Did I spend a lot of time doing report cards? Yes. But it didn't matter. I slept in. I got Starbucks. I wore sweats. Work was blissful.

Today I spent 4 or 5 hours helping students complete their work. I watched a large amount of 30 Rock episodes. I rented Pitch Perfect. I memorized the "cups" song from Pitch Perfect. I will admit, it took an hour or so. I read. I cooked. Relaxation was blissful.

That awkward moment when you pour out your heart to a guy and you think he can't hear you because he's a squirrel. It happens to the best of us.

#stardust #lowbudget #greatstorytelling

Emily gave me fudge. Kayla's licking a paper ice cream cone. Kyla and Rachel are making up movie dialogue. Anne's drinking her weight in coffee. I love my friends.

Harmon Verse: "But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." 1 Corinthians 12: 24-26

Harmon had Christmas morning today. Bacon, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, cinnamon rolls, and coffee. The girls reacted surprisingly well to their wake-up call. They were such good sports. I gave each of them a Christmas cookie cutter that exemplified her in some way. The festivities concluded with a Christmas dance party.

I've finished the Hogwarts house stockings. Could you guess who the Hufflepuffs would be? The Gryffindor? The Slytherin?

SOLID* conversation buddies

Just this week:

• Amy
• Chelsea
• Anne
• Kyla
• Kayla
• Rachel
• My mom
• My dad

*entertaining, delightful, encouraging, inspiring, intimate

Thankfuls for Today

• Small group
• Amy Petricek (and Kyle Petricek)
• God and His friendship and His fatherhood and His sovereignty and His holiness and His constancy
• Little James Hancock sitting on my lap telling me about his day in his quite three-year-old voice
• The book of Nehemiah
• The first bite of food when I'm actually hungry
• Kyla's "let's keeping hugging" hugs
• Rachel's dry-humored jokes
• Anne's "hugs" :)
• Kayla's morning handshake and genuineness

Advent is here

I love this.

Odd Project

Mia walked into my office a few weeks ago with a sheepish smile on her face. "I have a proposal," she murmured.

I thought she was going to make a prankish proposal: skip a quiz, pass a class, take a nap. An academic joke between student and teacher.

"I wanna write a book."

I was a little surprised. She doesn't like English. She doesn't like writing.

"I don't like writing," she explained. 

I nodded, gaging her level of seriousness.

"I want you to help me because I'm not a very good writer. I wanna write my life story, sorta."

Something inside me ticked, like a cog that was trying to turn for the first time in a while. It made my heart beat. I wasn't jumping up and down with excitement, so she kept going. 

"I wanna have a book based on my life. I want you to help me write it. I want you to to write your story in it too. Kinda combined, you know? I think people could learn from my life. My mom dying and all."

I thought about the way Mia talks. I thought about her ambition and honesty. 

I thought about the way I write. I thought about my ambition and creativity. 

I thought about our parallel experiences and our perpendicular lifestyles. 

I thought and I consented to the project. 

I told her it would be really good catharsis. She smiled blankly.

She told me it might be really good money. I smiled blankly.

We will be an odd pair. An odd, perfect pair.

I love my friends and

I like Parks and Rec.

#JustToday #AnneJohns #LindsayBritton #EmilyLarson #KylaHyden #RachelSims #HASHTAGS!!!

Lots of prayer and Scripture and sleep and conversations and walks today. Unsureness sucks. Closure sucks too.

I have the most Awesome God and the best of family and friends and coworkers as I mourn breaking up. Pray that I stop feeling like Adam Sandler in the beginning of the Wedding Singer. Kelly, I'm sure, is picturing me holding an invisible guitar and strumming haphazardly.

It's time.

I can hear the rain. It's melodic and sad. I love it and what it represents.

TGI-Break

Student: So do time zones separate regions?
Me: Not really. We're in the midwest and we have the same time zone as the east coast.
Student: No we don't.
Me: Um, yes. Yes, we do.
Student: No we do not.
Me: Yes. Indiana and New Jersey are in the same time zone.
Student: No they're not.
Me: Yes... they really are.
Student: (Googles answer on phone) Oh okay. You're right.

We're in the last half hour of a service learning project splitting and hauling logs
A dozen male students sit on a porch drinking soda
I continue to haul logs back and forth to the wood pile
Student: Good job, Miss M. You really are the hardest worker.

Roger: Who did your team elect as "The Tallest"?
Students: Miss Mueller.
Roger: Great. The contest is... who has the tallest... thumb.
All contestants make a "thumbs up"
Students: EUGH! Miss Mueller has alien fingers.
Me: Excuse me?
Student: It's okay, though. They're proportional to your body!

celebration in excess

11:30 am -- Surprise Lindsay at Aunt Sue's Tea Room. Laugh and catch up with great Eastside ladies.  She's getting married! We have finger sandwiches!

 3:00 pm -- Bridal party at Melinda's house. Joke and snack with Kayla and co. Elle's getting married! We make date night popsicle sticks!

 7:00 pm -- Thanksgiving dinner with Tuesday small groupers. The Petriceks host. Nobody in this group is getting married! Haha, but we have turkey.

If you knew Nick...

... you'd know this photo is GOLDEN, ponyboy. 

And so ends November 11th. #cleanslate

I will only watch Bond movies with Rachel

I've never seen a James Bond movie, so when I went to the 10:25 PM showing with a group of people, I was not optimistic. Especially because I'd heard it was almost three hours. Especially because I was ready to watch Pitch Perfect AGAIN.

The redemption? Rachel Hannah Sims. We cracked jokes throughout the film and talked about the objectification of women on the car ride home. She is THE best. Also, the movie wasn't half bad.

Favorite moments having to do with movie length:

• I arrive back from the bathroom and Rachel leans over to catch me up, "Don't worry... there are only eight hours left."
• "How has he died 20 minutes into this movie?" "Well, there's the funeral, and the viewing... oh. Except they can't do a viewing..." "Shoot. But isn't a funeral like 2 hours?" "Good point."
• "Oh, you know what? The credits alone are going to be it. They're going to be hours."
• "We know he's going to escape. There's an hour of this movie left."

Favorite moments having to do with the fact that we're girls watching James Bond:

• "Is she dead? No. Yes. Wait. Is she dead?"
• "That man has got to die. He has really, really got to go."
• "So she gets OUT of sex trafficking... and he jumps in the shower with her. She cannot be feeling good about herself." "You know what? He definitely, definitely has STD's now." "Yeah. he has STD's. That black woman has STD's. The women in the next movies will have STD's. James Bond is officially spreading STD's."

I'm a sucker for harmonies TWICE OVER

Noelle took me out on one of the best dates ever. We had perfectly-timed sushi and saw Pitch Perfect and talked over pie.

The movie was SO good! I was expecting to like it, but I loved it. It was both hilarious and touching. Someone please be in an a cappella group with me.

I'm a sucker for harmonies

I absolutely adore this cover. It's raw, beautiful, powerful.

one check, two check.

Box One (Novel)
Sometimes I disagreed with Don Miller... or wasn't sure if I agreed. But as I read the last chapter, I realized that he had won me over. As a writer and as a person. His honesty is charming and thought-provoking. I was both amused, moved, and challenged. 

Blue Like Jazz: check.

Box Two (Conversation)
Kayla: I found a name I liked today.
Bethany: Tell me.
Kayla: Promise not to steal it.
Bethany: Um...
Kayla: It's Yiddish.
Bethany: I'm not gonna lie. If it's Yiddish, I'm probably going to steal it.
Kayla: It's Maven. It means "trusted expert in a particular field, who seeks to pass knowledge on to others."
Bethany: I genuinely like that name. I really do.
Kayla: As soon as she's born, she'll have intelligence spoken into her through her name.
Rachel: You should name her "Professor."
Bethany: "Professor! Good job going on the potty!"
Kayla: You're both awful.

God-sent relief and relationship after a horrifying day at work: check.

Last night, I read the chapter entitled "Romance" in Blue Like Jazz... it... blew my mind.

I wasn't expecting myself to be tossed so violently out of the water (or into the water? am I a fish or a human in this metaphor?) -- but, man, I was a little bit shaken.

more extra than ordinary

Roger and I agreed: weird day at the Crossing. Not bad! Just a little bizarre. Things felt "off:" Roger had to get up early for something, so he was tired. My alarm didn't go off (IT REALLY DIDN'T!), so I was a few minutes late and a little frazzled (no coffee, mind you). Heart check got rain checked. Family time was game time. Tyjon "accidentally" checked me in the face with a dodgeball. Algebra ECA was a struggle; English didn't happen. Weird, weird, weird day!

I tried to meet up with Zach in McConn... instead I ended up chatting with Criz'Vaun, Evan, Adam, and a girl named Victoria for like an hour about college choices, Blue Like Jazz, and favorite colors.

Ran into Ashley and Mary Beth and ate Baldwin with them. They are so much fun: I love hearing Ashley's crazy stories and watching Mary Beth's commentary.

Whenever I catch up with Allison, we laugh and exaggerate and use big words. We will always be two peas in a pod. I ran into her at the library this evening.

Even though I was late for small group, I was not disappointed. God always pours himself over us at the Petricek house. I felt privileged to speak into Obadiah's life and pray for Chelsea. The motif of the night was God's constancy and love. He is so good. Those individuals are so good. I value Tuesday's small group with a passion. I always feel inspired by a Word from God when I am there, which is an amazing gift.

A Monday Sundae

An impromptu game of Hand and Foot (canasta) with Ashley and Mary Beth in McConn made my night ice cream.

An impromptu Google+ Hangout Chat with Spencer, Nick, Kim, Britt, and Christine became the cherry on top.

contentedness is at my fingertips

seeing the eternal

I made a commitment to intentional communication today.

The Harmon ladies began brainstorming "house verse" ideas tonight. I love the depth of each of the girls I live with. If I had to pick words for them as individuals right off of the top of my head, I would choose: intimacy, harmony, healing, and protection.

Loving God and others is what definitively matters. I am profoundly moved by this truth. I feel like I have just had the opportunity to dive into it and I'm now feeling the initial cold shock of wave and water. I look forward to being swept into the current.

November is here

My being is a magnet drawn towards God. As I peel back layers of distraction, I am pulled closer.

I yield to the peeling of layers. Like the scene in the Great Divorce that Kayla described to me. I yield and I am made new. But not just "new." New implies I lose everything I was before. No. Everyday I'm becoming more of who I was made to be. I feel like a child contemplating what I would look at 20: speculative, hopeful, optimistic, curious, eager.

Internal Hurricane

• Got in a little car wreck. Very unfortunate. Received grace. 
• Roger's excessive laughter relieved the tension of the day. He proceeded to name "Classic Mueller" moves. Not sure if I truly appreciated that or not.
• Caught up with Megan Gilmore. She made an impact on my life early in college. I appreciated seeing her and her beautiful, smart children.
• The people at the BMV must be SO tired of me. I've been there four or five times the past two weeks. Today was my last trip. Finally.
• Amazing small group: Allow the Holy Spirit to guide your giving, be motivated by heart and soul issues, those who choose to ignore conviction can receive what they want (their own hell of isolation). I really enjoyed dialoguing with Peter Luttrell and Chelsea Pickslay.

October Reflection

This October, I fell short of a lot of things. I forgot, ignored, rebelled. I closed my eyes tight, unwilling to see any profound good.

This October, I died to a lot of things.  I forgave, apologized, knelt. I opened my eyes wide, accepting the beautiful condemnation.

This October, I hope for a lot of things. I pray: praise, petition. I focus new eyes outward, learning to trust the initial blur

that comes from acquiring God's perspective
on a different level
in a new chapter of life.

This October is different from the others.
I'm more a child
and more an adult
than I've been in a long string of Octobers.

Amidst the Scramble

Crazy. The Crossing is back from break and scrambling to get a rhythm going. Thank goodness Adam simultaneously lightens the mood and addresses areas of weakness. Thank goodness Roger is quick to laugh and quicker to care about PEOPLE. Thank goodness Jovan has systems, resources, and a sacrificial heart. Thank goodness Ciera picks up every loose end in he office, the classroom, AND the family room. Thank goodness for Chris' prayers and Miriam's encouragement.

Thank goodness I paid attention in school. Thank goodness I struggled so I can relate.

So I can relate. I can relate. A phrase that means "stuff happened with me. It was sucky. I get what you're feeling." I got to speak this tiny phrase into a student and friend Thursday. Then, by God's Great grace, I got to speak a big phrase into her life. You are Loved. Capital L love. What a privilege. What good, good news. I thank my Sovereign God that I go through "sucky stuff" so I can relate.

We're Musicians, You See

Anne, Kayla, Kyla, and I created our own vocal EP of this song tonight. If you tilt your head to the left and ignore the atonal humming and laughter-snorts, you'll find yourself entranced by our quartet of voices.

Naturally, it is now my ringtone for Harmon House.

Second First Day

Press play on the tunes below. ... Good. Now read. :)

First day of the second quarter. Several students gone. In jail, out of town, in work, out of time.

Several students present. Motivated, caffeinated.

We figured out our scheduling for the quarter. My responsibility plate is FULL. The joke at our staff meeting was "Bethany has the best job security of anyone in America." Overwhelming. Challenging. Exciting.

After discovering that certain aspects of close relationships are foreign to me, I have embarked on a journey: openly communicating through conflict and choosing patient love instead of distant irritation. My housemates keep relationships as first priority. Though I will never be as relationally driven as them, I still can learn a thing or two about daily relationship-housekeeping. I have nooks in my heart that could use dusting. We discussed life, leadership, and relationship over Dairy Queen tonight.

How many times did I use the word "relationship" in that paragraph? Five. The answer is five.

On the drive from Nashville to Marion

The drive was smooth
until 69 became one lane.

I'm Learning

"... Of course we all 'have knowledge,' as you say. This 'knowledge' breeds conceit; it is love that builds. If anyone fancies that he knows, he knows nothing yet, in the true sense of knowing. But if a man loves, he is acknowledged by God." -Paul the Apostle, as quoted by Elisabeth Elliot

Knowing friends might lessen the desire to pursue relationship with them. I'm learning that with my housemates. I thought I understood relationship. These girls are [lovingly] teaching me that I'm a dummy when it comes to closeness -- intimacy. What the HECK.

"The disposition... to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self." -T.C. Upham, as quoted by Elisabeth Elliot

But then, guess what -- you can't just learn to be close in relationship. You must learn to put that relationship repeatedly in God's hands. "God, Rachel was such a gift to me today. I want to put her in my pocket forever. ... I give my relationship with her back to you." Like that. ;)

I finished Passion and Purity last night.

From Nashville

There is a some type of scented plug-in device in the other room that releases every 10 minutes. I'm secretly pretending there is a fairy with allergies sitting in the kitchen. Every time it sneezes, I smile.

Today, I'm incapable.

The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership -- Pt. 1

From the Law of Navigation... 

"If you can't confidently make the trip in your mind, you're not going to be able to take it in real life." (41)

From the Law of Addition... 

"I believe the bottom line in leadership isn't how far we advance ourselves but how far we advance others." (51)

From the Law of Connectedness...

"It's one thing to communicate to people because you believe you have something of value to say. It's another to communicate with people because you believe they have value." (118)

"To lead yourself, use your head; to lead others, use your heart." (123)

gold leaves me breathless

age

Dan Hopkins testified about the power of the Holy Spirit in a transformed life in church. I was inspired. Fall is outside our little blue house in full, golden swing. I am keenly aware of the majesty of death as it cascades beyond the window. A piece of me will always be elderly.

I finished the Mysterious Benedict Society trilogy today. Every time I read a children's book or enjoy a craft project, I'm brought back to who I was. Or rather, inside to who I am. A piece of me will always be 8 years old.

My 22 year old self is the hardest piece of me to explain. God is my Old Friend and Loving Father.

Her interactions with her parents... are HILARIOUS

Emma Stone in Easy A

Falling for Fall

• I had a good chat with Brent and Noelle in McConn. I played Solitaire.
• I made hot apple cider with Kyla. We poured it into hollowed-out apples.
• The girls are rapping in the kitchen. Anne's washing her hair with eggs.
• We're checking things off our "Fall Activities" list that I put on the white board... tomorrow we'll have a PRETEND STORM NIGHT (PSN!)

Runs in the Family

"Everyone was filled with awe"

I LOVE small group at the Petricek house. Chris, Chelsea, Liz, Amy, and the Kyles are so encouraging.

We discussed this and, yet again, the Spirit guided us beautifully. We literally had two small groups going on at the same time three feet away from each other. Our conversations apparently wove in and out of each other. How wonderful.

Gratitude is my fall mission. It's my winter mission. My spring mission. My life mission.

Weekend Accomplishments

• Threw together a KICK BUTT stir fry out of leftovers (I surprised myself on that one)
• Made parfaits with strawberries, graham crackers, and Greek yogurt
• Scrubbed a million dishes
• Cleaned the kitchen
• Laundry!!!
• Bought fall-scented candles
• Scavenged a keys basket, an on-top-of-the-fridge basket, and a newspaper basket
• Washed and spread the living room rug
• Packed the garage sale stuff into trash bags and stored them in the basement
• Pulled my winter things up from the basement
• Moved the armchair up into my room
• Re-arranged the living room furniture into the original formation that the girls liked so much
• Bought white Christmas lights and strung them above the kitchen cabinets
• Cleaned and re-hung the calendars that had been falling off the basement door
• Mounted a painting above the coffee machine
• Worked on the jigsaw puzzle
• Put my bookshelf into the hallway with all my organized books
• Repaired Rachel's broken dining room chair

Recommendation

I read and finished The Acorn People last night. It's an 80 page piece of non-fiction. Feel free to borrow if you'd like a quick, poignant read.

Kasey and I had...

... a fruitful trip to Fort Wayne, where we got to talk a ton and eat at Cheddars.
... an unfruitful trip to Fort Wayne, where the computer people refused to help me with my laptop.

Chelsea, Mary Beth, and Ashley came over tonight. We lit candles and drank hot cocoa and ate popcorn and talked a ton. It was so relaxing.

I finished a book: The Gutter.

I'm pantomiming throwing confetti at you. Be proud.

"If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent an educator. If our greatest need had been technology, God would have sent a scientist. If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent an economist. But since our greatest need was forgiveness, God sent us a Savior."

-Roy Lessin as quoted by Craig Gross in The Gutter

quality times

Anne and I had our Harmon date at Paynes this evening. It was the warmest fall day. I loved just talking. We're working on developing technology to unhinge people's faces so that they can be easily cleaned out when they have sinus infections. Anyone's welcome on board.

Rachel and I spent time together at McConn, time together watching Friends, time together biking, and time together playing MadLibs. Since Rachel is the best listener in the world, she was able to read "Lie Fizz Booty Fell" and immediately translate it into "LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!" She crushed me, 70 to 57. It was a fun loss. :)

Geeking Out

My dear friend Zach Arneson came over to Harmon House yesterday to figure out what Hogwarts House he would be in.

We cross referenced key phrases and concepts from the original Sorting Hat songs as well as JK Rowling's descriptions of the houses from Pottermore.com. We THEN spiced things up with an MBTI analysis of each Hogwarts House. What were Zach's results after all the merriment and tomfoolery? Unfortunately, we ran out of time.

In case you were wondering, a nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

I am a nerd and a geek. As is Mr. Arneson.

I feel so broken.

I overbooked myself.

The Creation Museum was great. I liked my Mia, Heather, and Taresa group. I was DONE with the day, unfortunately, a few hours before the day was done.

After a day out Saturday and a day out today and a day out tomorrow, I'm ready to have a million days in.

Zoo

After spending all day at the zoo with 3 Hancock kids and 2 Hancock parents, I WAS BEAT. I went home and slept til' midnight. I loved seeing the girls laugh when I appeared at the top of the stairs -- they toured me through the kitchen telling me my dinner options; we puzzled for a bit.

My favorite zoo animals, you ask? The red panda, the otter, and the kangaroo. Naturally.

My heart aches for time with the Lord. Just God and Bethany.

Current reads: The Gutter, The Last Drop Out, Passion and Purity, Southern Jack Tales, My Utmost for His Highest

cons/pros

I will not dwell on the cons, but I will begin with them. 

• Food's not appealing. Sleep doesn't come.
• A great co-worker was let go at work today because of budget cuts and I have never seen a more helpless, distraught looking group of people than our staff at 8:30 AM today. :( Literally the only thing we could say was PRAY. I didn't want that answer to sound small... but it felt small. God will provide and prove us wrong. 

I've been told and I know and I feel that gratitude works miraculous things in wavering hearts. So the pros.

• I love the people I work with -- they are the biggest variety of servants I've ever met.
• I love the people I live with -- they are goofy, gentle, and caring. Rachel and I had our date night (a regular one-on-one for all Harmon-Housers) and made caramel apples. It was successful. And by successful, I mean tasty. There might be caramel permanently grafted into clothes and kitchen items here.
• I love the people I don't get to see enough. I love getting to see their faces. Noelle popped by tonight to borrow a book, the Ashley/Chelsea/Mary Beth trio left me a message on facebook informing me that they were my stalkers after all these years of not being freshmen in my unit.
• I love the people I share a name with -- my mom sent me a package equivalent to what Buzz Aldrin got from his mom when he travelled to the moon. This is, naturally, assuming he liked chocolate a LOT. I spoke briefly to my dad on the phone. He always tells a non-chalent story of some nightmarish adventure and ends by asking if he can pray for ME. What's wrong with him?
• I love the God I live for -- He provides peace and love and encouragement in every facet of life.

I'm reading a new book

"... but little deaths have to be died just as great ones do... 

We are not meant to die merely in order to be dead. 

God could not want that for the creatures to whom He has given the breath of life. 

We die in order to live."

-Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity

Did you know I was almost named Elisabeth?  
Fun fact of the day.


I'm listening to Let There Be by Gungor. 
I'm imagining the beginning of the world and I'm in awe.

A stranger laughed at me tonight

This is what I look like when I rollerblade.

Achilles Heel

I read The Hobbit to Rachel and Kayla tonight. After four or five pages, I paused for an, "Are you guys still awake?" and received SILENCE.

Why does everyone fall asleep when I read to them??!!

First Day

of FALL! September 22nd. I finished 15 summer reads (see the right-hand sidebar). My goal for fall is also 15.

Odds

We flushed Slippy today. Candles were lit around the toilet, a eulogy was said by yours truly, and a moving rendition of Friends was sung by those of us who grew up with Michael W. Smith.

I'm in the midst of repairing the entirety of a car (damage not my fault) and a laptop (damage partially the fault of my supposed "thunder fingers").

I'm exploring the concept of contentedness in singleness: an ideology I once had almost perfected, but I'm a little rusty. I'll have to work on it.

Against decent odds, I'm engulfed by love. Praise the Lord :)

I don't mind odds. My favorite number is odd. My favorite books are often odd. In truth, I have enough odd-ness in my favor to last an eternity. The goal, presently, is to focus on the "in-my-favors."

Not Coincidence

"Our Lord's temptations and ours are in different realms until we are born again and become His brothers... Satan does not tempt us just to make us do wrong things -- he tempts us to make us lose what God has put into us through regeneration, namely, the possibility of being of value to God. He does not come to us on the premise of tempting us to sin, but on the premise of shifting our point of view, and only the Spirit of God can detect this as a temptation of the devil."Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, "September 18"

In the desert, Satan told Christ to prove His value, prove His worth, prove His place as a Son. Christ, fully-man, was tempted to doubt his value, worth, and place. Christ, fully-God, knew He functioned out of a deeper power than his humanness. "You shall not put the Lord, YOUR GOD, to the test."

Satan tests my value -- our value -- today. I have Christ in me and He will not be shaken. God spoke value into me when He breathed life into me. What He has spoken cannot be revoked. 

Today is irony.

Can words in their lowest moments become poetry in its deepest moments?

Irony is poetry.

Today is poetry. 

And in my deepest moment,

it is well with my soul.

God is not safe. But He is good. 

Good in a more substantial sense than I will ever see with this pair of eyes.

I'm looking forward to the new set. They're on layaway; 

I'll cross 

my fingers that they're 

blue again.

I just finished

To Kill a Mockingbird and really, really enjoyed it. I was sad to put it back on Zach Aument's bookshelf.

I'm praying pretty fervently for peace amidst life happening.

The people I live with are better than the people you live with --

they're at LEAST on par with your people.

I've got great people.

Anne was cooking and Rachel was cleaning as I walked in the door today. "Do you recognize the stuff on the table?" Rachel asked innocently.

On our table sat a cup of coffee from McConn, To Kill a Mockingbird, and one of my favorite sweaters. She had dug the latter out of my winter clothes box in the basement. She also turned the air on high so that the living room would be cold enough for me to wear a sweater.

TELL ME. Tell me the people you live with stalk your blog and grant your wishes. I bet they don't. I'm delighted.  

I'm aching for a sweater, book, and chocolatey-coffee day

How I feel

Nostalgic. Abstract. Surreal. Unexplainable.

Throw Back

I don't listen to music all the time. Every once and a while it's nice to put on some headphones and dive in to a melody. Harmony when you need some. Rhythm when you don't have one. A beat when you feel off-kilter.

This popped up on shuffle and it felt so sweet to listen to nostalgia. The Hush Sound was my favorite in high school. This was one of my old jams: I'm feeling it now.

Faith. Hope. Love

These are so hard, but so necessary right now.

Summer Ain't Over YET

Summer ends on September 21st -- which means it is still summer and my summer reading is GOIN' STRONG. (see right-hand sidebar)

I just finished my 12th summer read: Zoli by Colum McCann. Being well read is a personal competition for me. I'm hoping for 15 by the first day of fall. Then... on to the autumn reads! Woohoo!

Upcoming page-turners:

• The Gutter by Craig Gross
• The Last Dropout by Bill Milliken
• Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot
• The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
• Big Fish by Daniel Wallace
• Taran Wanderer by Lloyd Alexander
• The High King by Lloyd Alexander

Yay, people :D

I went to McConn with Kayla, Rachel, Kyla, and Eric and OH. MY. GOSH. Everybody's back and I love it. I got so energized because 1) I had COFFEE from McConn 2) I got to say hi to people!

I saw Carrie and Haley and Mary Beth and Courtney -- they're all juniors! We talked about the fact that I was a junior when they were my freshmen residents. AH! I love it.

I'm thrilled by this hope

They're Back

Everybody at IWU is moving back in. I'm relieved -- it's fun to see the campus full of hustle and bustle again.

I've been feeling kind of sucky the past few days. Like a winter landscape: but not a breathtaking one. I'm really hoping that wears off.

It's been five weeks and

I'm finally starting to be willing to talk about my job. I'll talk about it to inform someone new, but when a friend asks, "How's your job?" I mostly respond, "Really good. Exhausting. I don't want to talk about it yet." The concept of unpacking work seems overwhelming, so I don't do it readily. I love to chatter, so I'm sure the feeling will continue to wane.

I have such a great job and I love the people I work with, students and staff alike.

Yesterday, I got to go on a Service Learning Opportunity to a dear farm -- we pet fawns and unloaded hay bales. It was simultaneously a fun break and a rewarding project. The students and I learned a lot.

In the afternoon Ciera and I went recruiting. It's such a unique experience: you meet all sorts of people and get all sorts of lost.

Despite my affection for the job, I still look forward to Friday. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early enough for Karamel McKnutts? Only time will tell. Literally.

LONG day.

I deeply long for rest.

I don't

like contemplating change
until its arrived.
People who plan (or think) might find this perplexing.

Tomorrow I'm going to write some poetry.

modest, humble, capable

To be profound, you must not try to be profound. Don’t use big words. Don’t try to speak in meter or in long phrases. That was Shakespeare’s job. That’s eloquence. Eloquence is the petals of the rose, fragile, pretty, and usually withering rather quickly. Profundity is the bud when it’s closed off – modest, humble, but capable of withstanding an entire hurricane of denial. 

-Belinda Roddie

Tidbits

Mike and I have been dating for 15 months. So that's 1 year and 3 months. He had been driving back to New Jersey from Denver and stopped in Marion for a couple days. I said goodbye this morning.

I'm excited for EVERYONE from IWU to get back in a few weeks. I miss seeing crowds in the student center. I still bike through campus regularly. I MISS IT! :)

Kelly's storybook baby shower was today. Emily did an AMAZING job prepping. Kelly got lots of books for Amelia. The women all talked about childbirth. It was... very scary.

Big meteor shower tonight! We're probably going to watch it on a roof somewhere.

Skin of my teeth

Life has required me to be off pay for a month, and YET continue to pay for things. Rude.

My bank account has been whittled down to $20. I wish I was being facetious. I am not. You know what, though? Tomorrow I get my first paycheck! Thank goodness for a salary!!!

Who cares if it came close? It worked out beautifully.

Re-group

Work is challenging: all my co-workers agree. We all came to the table today a little overwhelmed and a little discouraged. We ALSO agreed that this is a job that God is totally capable of -- and that we need to encourage one another and rely fully on God. What other job has a meeting like that?! Few educational ones.

I'm really thankful for this job, for my co-workers (who are all a lot of fun), and for God's hand in our lives.

Monday was long.

Loooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng.

I'm really desiring an escape. A break.

Not because life isn't so, so good. But because I feel so poured out.

hope

Day 1, we had 4 students. We just finished day 7 and there are 17 students at the Marion Crossing now! :)

phew

I had been feeling so ridiculously low the past few days and couldn't seem to shake the funk. This morning, I led our staff "heart check" by asking us to pray through Psalm 100 and 103. "Praise the Lord, O my soul" over and over. And after we praised the Lord and asked Him to bless the students and motivate us to uplift His name,

peace ran over me. Thank goodness for a veil lifted. God is faithful. And worship casts out darkness. FO REAL.

Really good family time today. I asked a ton of questions about "being a victim" and got to hear all about how that looked like to the students. It was great: we got some differing opinions and a lot of examples and stories. They were engaged. I love discussion. These kids are awesome.

Lots to work with

Day one of academic work. All on the computers until I can figure out how to pull out students effectively -- maybe for anticipatory sets? That could be daily. I need to find common threads. I also am about to figure out where everyone actually is. I just categorized them into their grades: I'm teaching/tutoring 6 different English curriculums at the same time (9A, 10A, 10B, 11A, 11B, 12A). My brain is going to be fried.

I will figure this out. And it will be awesome. :D

Mmmm

I've been waiting for time to sit down and be intentional with roommates about a grocery list, but everyone's been in and out a lot... so I've been eating cereal. And Taco Bell.

I caved today and bought good food. I'm... quite possibly in heaven.

Resolve. I'm going to budget in quality food. It's a priority.

poTAEto poTAHto

Today was filled with a series of upsetting events, but redemptively delightful people.

Why are there squiggly lines? Redemptively and redeemingly SHOULD be words.

CEC Spiritual Retreat

Our staff had a giggle fit right before communion. It's... going to be a good year.

Don't worry, we pulled it together before the elements were taken. But it felt SO good to laugh after a long day of spiritual reflection. :)

After (at least) 3 months of phone tag,

I skyped Nick Chavez. It was, as expected, delightful. We laughed heartily, enjoyed word play, used our serious caps, and smattered everything with a little sarcasm. I can't wait for him to see the light and visit the midwest again. When I'm actually HERE.

Quotes from the night:

"I don't have a hairstyle. I have a hat." -Bethany's "mantra," made up by Nick

"Bethany will immaculately conceive, if ANYTHING." -Nick

"THAT is on a t-shirt in my head." -Nick

Nick: I'm so tired of weddings. You're never allowed to have a wedding. You can get married, but no wedding.
Bethany: So... you want me to elope?
Nick: Correct. But I wanna come.

Transfiguration is Transformation

I just finished listening to Robert Gelinas' sermon series on transfiguration. One last time, I urge you to listen. Begin with Transfiguration: Resurrection. Pastor Gelinas is the head of Colorado Community Church in Aurora, Colorado.

Job celebration and Denver photographs

Prayers answered. Today I was given verbal affirmation from my team out of nowhere! God is good. My team is good.

There are not enough keys to type the words to explain the simplicity and the complexity of my "job." It's less of a job, more of a mission. I will be a teacher and a tutor and a team member and a mentor. I have finally seen my office (!) and my building and my responsibilities, as well as the responsibilities of everyone else. BIG freaking sigh of relief. God's not leading me into a den of lions -- I should've known. Well, actually... He might be. BUT! I'm very well equipped.

Photos from Denver came in today! Enjoy.

You must open your mouth if you want the cards to stick. 

You must make that face if you want to bend the clouds.

BIG MEADOWS!

Pretty mountains.

Pretty mountains.

Pretty valley next to pretty mountains.

Additional pretty mountains. 

The mini hike.

Rest stop. 

Yellow bellied marmot!!!

Agitated bird painting. He's an artist.

So many new people. So much new info. So many forms and lectures and questions and notes.

After having spent a week in Denver, then coming home for a day, then spending a couple days in Illinois, then coming home for a day, then spending a couple days in Nappanee, and now coming home for a day... I'm completely exhausted. And I feel as though the "marathon" has not even begun!

This is the greatest job ever, so I am extremely optimistic.

I am also in need of emotional, physical, spiritual, mental renewal. I'd love prayers. I'd also love to explain my job to you all sometime, especially if you'd like to pray regularly.

Is this real life??

I begin training for a job tomorrow. I have never felt so 100% sure that something was a good thing, but been so 100% ready to skip it and go back to school in September with everybody else.

Before I went to college, I had friendly old ladies tell me to enjoy it, since it would be the best time of my life. All throughout college, I thought "This is awesome, but I want every year to be the best year of my life." So I began preparing for an excellent life. College, however, was so cozy.

I like cozy things.

Confession

I miss California summers. Indiana humidity is my enemy. It is an invisible terrorist.

Digital Camera Goes to Kake Wedding

Sparkling Water, Sparkling Smiles

NO, I am not driving with my left foot. That's ridiculous.

BUN.

Dodge Neon: The Last Air... Conditioned.

Four Letter Word for "Avoiding a Question" Ending with "GN"

Class.

Art.

... Denver.

Wednesday afternoon: Dinner with the Hans family. Delightful conversation. A little Last Airbender.

Thursday: Brunch at Snooze with BETHANY AND MICHAEL BERENS. Honestly the best pancakes I've ever eaten. I truly love the Berens. They are so much fun and so generous and so loving. Mike and I walked around the city, in which a police officer told us not to waste our time taking a tour of the Money Museum and a million people tried to convince us to sponsor a child. We escaped the city, watched Last Airbender, talked at Starbucks, and moseyed on over to the airport.

Nick and Matt picked me up at the airport. We magically made it home after randomly picking highways, NEAR hitting a median, circling a highway going the wrong direction, and attempting to drive on a road that didn't exist. We also got Taco Bell. The night ended at 2 am and was, to say the least, a success.

Denver Denver Denver

I am in the lovely city of Denver for the first time*. I have a few good stories, but those will wait. Condensed soup version:

Saturday: Arrive! Milkshake and fries at McDonalds. Crash at a friends house.

Sunday: Early church service. Jazzy second church service. Visit ELLE AND BEN in Boulder. Enjoy the eclectic city. Say it's like California. Eat fancy chocolate. Drink fancy coffee. Play fancy Skip-Bo. Watch Spiderman.

Monday: Sleep in. Watch Avatar: The Last Airbender (Mike has been converted. But on his own terms. In his own time.) Casual lunch. Casual coffee shop. Casual bananagrams. Casual dinner. Casual fun with the Hans family.

Tuesday: Rocky Mountain National Park! Driving on mountainous dirty roads (1st!). Discovering yellow bellied marmots (1st!). Taking pictures (Might as well be a 1st!). Hiking the Rockies (1st!). Driving through the clouds (1st for Mike!). Spotting elk (kudos, Mike) and stumbling across a couple moose, aptly dubbed Gordan and Sheila (DEFINITE 1st). Eating delicious food. Keeping a lookout for human trafficking. Driving the mountain ranges home. Collapsing from exhaustion at 9 pm.

Wednesday: SURPRISE trip to "Canvases and Cocktails," where we painted two very different renditions of "Two Birds in a Tree" (AWESOME). Chipotle in the park. 14 adjectives game. The Tattered Cover for book reading and computer checking.

 I'm at the bookstore right now. So that's it.


 *this is, in fact, a slight fib. I've been to the great city before. But I was a baby. I got sick the whole time. I barfed in my dad's face. I did not enjoy myself.

Listen to what I'm listening to tonight at Jimmy Johns :)

Snapshot philosophy

The sensor on my camera that detects that the battery "hatch" is closed is broken. It thinks it's not closed and secure when it is.

The camera works perfectly, but it thinks its broken. Therefore, it is broken.

If you think you don't work, then you won't work. 

La Vita è Bella

God gives amazing gifts to those who love Him. God grows wonderful things out of the dirt. I'm so thankful. So, so thankful. Life is beautiful.

Immediate joys:

• Opportunities to be in the sun and healthy because of work and working out
• A bike that rides akin to a cloud... however a cloud would ride
• Wildflowers are all over the place! (Though I went on a hunt tonight and failed to acquire a bouquet)
• So many good books about fantasy lands and real life teachers to read and plenty of time to enjoy them
• Flexible and supportive part time jobs ("Come in if you want!")
• An e-mail about my name tag and business cards for my first full time job!
• A good talk over ice cream with Liz. Finding unknown commonalities. :]
• A printed itinerary from the library for A TRIP TO DENVER THIS SATURDAY!!!
• The promise of a fun July 4th with friends
• The potential in Amish friendship bread in a jar, clean laundry to be folded, and a garden to be tended

Dotty the Bike

1. My bike was stolen, finagled from it's lock on a stormy night.

2. The WORLD (apparently) was notified through facebook.

3. A couple sweet women from my California church banded together and purchased a new bike for me.

4. This new bike might last me a lifetime. It is delightful.

5. The bike's name is Dotty, which means "gift from God."

6. Right now, Dotty and I are just acquaintances. She has a lot of gears. Friendship may take a little time and an instruction manual to blossom. 

7. Karen was a faithful bike. I hope the hoodlams take good care of her.

Dotty, aka "D21 Fighter Bike"