ing

This week has been

processing grief, crying, encouraging, loving, working, listening, saying no, being honest, feeling helpless, finding hope, listening to the rain, feeling pressure, being comforted, giving advice, allowing others to speak, watching tears, smiling at the future, frowning at uncertainty, taking initiative, being kidnapped, accepting ambiguity, forgetting to do my weekly report, having a cool unit powwow, praying.

When all I want it to be is

sleeping.

But the thunder's promise of spring is

invigorating.

I am a spectator of mad motion

Notifications of leadership, staff, and mentoring positions went out. There are squeaky pops and hollow puffs everywhere... I can almost hear the releases of energy. Completely ambivalent bursts come from new-comers; experienced leaders rush in and out of knowing predictions, excitements, sympathies.

Yesterday, Anne and I walked across wet, green grass to get to the chapel for the housing meeting. Today, I could take no short cuts through the snow to get to my midterm. The weather has mood-swung in a big, rollercoaster-esque SWOOP.

Kayla's dad is passing through from a far away land. The happy change is another stomach swing for a good friend.

The late night study session melted and oozed into my bed, where I woke up late. I slipped all the way to Elder, one step after another: slip, slip, slip, slip. The slides became familiar and I didn't bother to take my hands out of my pockets for balance.

The H.E.L. test held its elbow above its head and, with one hefting drive, squashed my brain and my dignity into the table in front of me. I wiped blood and guts off of the packet so I could ashamedly write my name at the top.

Emily's relief is pulsating throughout campus like an atom bomb. She can't wait to be on duty with me. She can't wait to be roommates with Paige. She can't wait to take her midterm.

And now my brain is Simba. And I'm looking out over the plains, and my conscience is telling me that everything the light touches is work that I have to get done. I think about the implications of that, then wish I was a lion cub in Africa instead of a student in Indiana.

A chapel speaker spoke some great truths and good reminders to us all this week. The generational gap and his lack of excitement, however, did not maximize the material. He was older, and very content in the truths he had discovered, but not overtly eager to show us the joy he had initially found. I wish I could've jumped on stage and shared stories of freedom and miraculous realizations and specific applications for people our age. But for some reason, I am a 21 year old English education student and not an intelligent seminary grad. So I will sit in my chapel seat and discuss God's love to the less-than-masses. :)

Now! I will write my quiz for Brit Lit! I will GO to Brit Lit! I will get out of Brit Lit! And I will probably take a nap or something! Let the weekend commence!

best on duty night

Probably LITERALLY the best. Just saying.

I was a couple minutes late into the lobby because I was finishing up a coffee date - "Dang" I thought, "Bad start to a long night..." But, besides a metaphorical hiccup or two, the night has been a metaphorical breath of fresh air.

I wrote some encouragement notes and made a to-do list. Both enjoyable :) Whilst these things were accomplished, I talked to Ashley and Bethany Livengood. They are a beautiful example of the deliciousness that comes out of an E3W/E3E mixture. Something amusing: Ashley LOVES talent shows (tay-lent shows, if you're from Michigan). She just found out about the NoSo Tay-lent Show, and she's already started to recruit people. Will they perform Annie? Will they sing a Chipmunks song? Who knows. But allll possibilities lead to great things. I'm excited.

I had the longest, bestest round I've ever experienced ever ever. I asked people their stress levels on a scale of 1 to 10, then I asked for ideas of things to bring around to relieve stress. The results: fruit, trail mix, gum, bubble wrap, chocolate, sugar, and brownies.

Some fun conversations happened -- I was thankful that people stopped their studying and even pulled out their headphones for me. Eastside girls are probs my favorite. I witnessed the natural kindness of Miss Rachel Carmichael, the truly admirable perspectives of Chelsea Layman, and the beautiful growth and maturity of one Shannon Pedigo.

Little notes: Paige and I have the funniest "read my blog" connection, Devon is apparently a Jedi tonight, Emily is the hardest worker, Lindsay is one of the most naturally amusing conversationalists (I know... weird compliment. But for real.), Rachel's quiet determination is estimable, Lauren is soo encouraging, and I'm now planning on picking up Carrie from the airport and touring her around San Francisco over the summer!

Technically, my lack of stressful homework is chance... but I thank God for it.

"Relationship Rights and Wrongs" - devoted to E3W, since we're not having Unit Powwow

Aside from a couple people, our unit is... well, we're dramatic. The west end of E3W has quiet drama that they giggle about, the east end of E3W has LOUD drama that they PROCLAIM from mountaintops.

Here are the pro's to this: It's fun and it helps us deal with things in a looser way.

Here are the con's: It can keep us from being truly vulnerable with one another and, sometimes, it makes light of issues that need to be dealt with differently.

At the beginning of the year, I prayed about the theme for our unit, and God shot "vulnerability" back in my ears, eyes, nose, mouth -- every orifice I had. "These girls need to know vulnerability." I tasted, smelled, heard it: no doubt about it.

I see the potential in so many of you. I've gotten to see your physical, psychological, emotional, and intellectual talents: you're an amazing group of girls, and I LOVE how unique you are. You have things in common, yeah, but you're definitely very different.

In order to have a healthy relationship with God, your family, your future spouse, your friends... anyone - you MUST be vulnerable. It is literally not possible to have a healthy relationship otherwise. You are guaranteed fragmented relationships and you're guaranteed heartache later on if you don't learn to be vulnerable.

I can't emphasize these things enough:

1. Be open with God about everything you think, feel, want, and need. Tell Him things you know He would say "no" to. If you need to be like King David and ask Him to smite your "enemies," do it - be honest about how you feel. Start the process of realization that He knows and loves you even as those things are coming out of your mouth, mind, or pen.

2. Share your imperfections with good friends. Show them you value them by inviting them to keep you accountable and by admitting that you don't have everything together. Don't just joke about each other's imperfections, challenge one another in love. Take away your masks. Be honest with people about when you're upset or don't like things. Do it gently, and even say that you're being honest because you value your relationship with THEM more than you value their impression of you. It's an act of selflessness to be vulnerable.

3. Stop the things you do in order to make people think things about you. Stop fishing for compliments. Write down your insecurities. Do you go places, do things, say things so that certain guys will see you? Do you talk about your work so people will ask you how you did on a test? Stop trying to manipulate people around you. Be vulnerable by saying, "I did well on this!" or by saying "I really don't like this about myself..."

You are far to valuable to try and "remold" who God created you to be. You are far to weak to succeed.

I love you, East 3 West. I pray for you, Kendra, Rachelle, Gabby, Jessi, Anne, Rachel, Hailey, Ashley, Mary Beth, Shannon, Chelsea J., Reghan, Chelsea L., Courtney, Anna, Jess W., Libby, Cat, Casey, Jess A., Bethany, Carrie, and Jenna. :)

Here are verses I've devoted to you. Maybe pick on and write it on a notecard:

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5:19-21

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:3

"And we urge you, [sisters], warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone." 1 Thessalonians 4:14

"If you're no good, so help me, I'm gunna- I'm gunna eat you anyways." -Anne to a sandwich

In ping pong last night, I tripped over a tall chair and bruised my knee. We lost, adding insult to injury. It's DANGEROUS playing in North! But ping pong's worth the pain.

The best part of watching Tangled last night was probably seeing Mary and Anna cry in the row in front of us. :) I liked Pascal, the little chameleon.

Bible study on Saturday mornings is refreshing. I love hearing Kayla open up in a group setting, which I've seen more this year, with Covenant and Creative Writing. I've never felt like I had a church community that I belonged to independently -- Exit Downtown has been such a gift. I also really, really like Bethany Berens. Quite a bit.

Kayla, Danielle, and I picked up Lauren from clinicals this morning. Can you IMAGINE spending 8 hours at a hospital's night shift?! CAN YOU FATHOM?!?! I cannot. This was her first time, so we wanted to love on her after a long night. :)

Kayla, Anne, and I just table-danced the Interlude in McConn with several other McConners. Sitting at the table, not standing ON the table. Never on the table.

A superfast progression of thoughts: Visit monastery, plan curfew breaker, make SGA devotional, talk to Noelle about SGA devotional, make homework list, Spencer and Chelsea are coming soon, make Spring Break plans, it's so nice outside, POETRY must be written, Emma MUST be read, call home, call friends, I see Luke Johns, he's so encouraging, Anne is so ADD right now, I hope Kayla enjoys snowboarding, we need to plan for the 3rd floor party, Church Community Dinner s tomorrow...

say cheese

I'm capturing this moment. There's an antique jar, filled with rock sugar from Spencer, sitting next to (what was) the last clean cup we had, which is now filled with tea. There are 22 boxes of cereal on the couch. Anne just fell asleep in the shower. The girls across the hall are stalking a friend's brother on an online dating site.

Earlier today, their suitemate spent HOURS rearranging her room, only to put it back exactly the way it was... except for a lamp. I scrubbed the triple's shower ceiling because Jess is "allergic" and Libby "wasn't gunna." Because I know Emily Larson, I felt love instead of disgust when she texted me from clinicals to tell me she saw "a baby come out of a vagina."

What a deliciously odd day. What a ridiculously late night. What a great time in life. :)

Jess had the cutest spiritual victory today and shared it with such enthusiasm, I just wanted to turn her into a teddy bear and carry her around with me. Same with Chelsea's interview optimism (I know it's in there somewhere, Ashley)

Valentines

My friend Katelyn Barnhart - Auntie Kate - she loves Valentines. She loves Valentines. She claps her hands and her eyes get squinty and she smiles real big and she says, "I love Valentines Day!" She wears pink and bobs around campus like a curly-headed ballerina.

Anne, Kayla, and I watched the

"Vamlumtimes" episode

of homestarrunner last night. It seemed appropriate. :)

Good moment: Jonica brought Anne and I Valentines cards and I said, "WOW, Jonica! This is my first Valentines day card!" and Anne said, "Wow! This is my fifth! ... you want a second?" Jonica is the best. So is Anne ;) Thank GOODNESS for Anne. I slipped and started to fall -- out of my mouth issued a "SSHHH--" but she caught me before I could finish my slip AND my word. Phew.

Lindsay Britton has been gigglin' around all day today. Everybody took their happy pill today.

I'm going to go ninja-crawl into Rachel and Hailey's room and take the "single's awareness day" phrase off of their status... es... stati.

What a great covenant. We talked about love languages. It was very enlightening. As per Kayla's request, we all ended up in Noelle's bed in a pile. Lindsay and Lauren stared at the pile for a while before they were pulled atop.

Just me?

I would almost rather watch the gag reel than the actual thing.

I would almost rather have a folder of information to review someone's life before I met them.

I would almost rather sleep for half a year, then live constantly awake for the second half.

I would almost rather not know that the possibility of "future" existed.

I would almost rather be a journalism/sculpting/bib. lit/history major.

I would almost rather be 8 forever.

I would almost rather be 80 forever.

I would rather give away everything than have everything I ever wanted.

I would rather have hundreds of little fuzzy moments than a couple dozen epic romantic ones.

I would rather make everyone else their favorite meals daily than have to pick what I felt like eating.

I would rather wear the same thing every day until I got sick of it... like a cartoon character.

Somebody's following me

You know that feeling that you have? Like somebody's following you? You hear it... you think you see it out of your peripheral -- so you casually twist yourTHENYOUJUSTTURNAROUNDREALLYFAST!! ... oh. But there's nothing there. Not even a tumbleweed or a cricket chirp to comfort you. Alone.

That's kind of what it feels like to have 25 followers who mention your blog to your face but never comment.

;]

Billy in the Hallway

I put my chair, Billy, in the hallway. Shockingly, EVERYbody comes through this way. It's perfect. I've already heard so many good stories. Shannon basically got a concussion yesterday -- fell right on her head. Ashley's worried/not worried about a test. Room 320's being really sketch right now. Hannah Feeney just got a LEGIT Valentines package - geez.

Here is the story about the baboon attack. Inspired by Ashley's aspiration to go to Rwanda "to meet the monkeys."

acoustic

I'm feeling acoustic. If you were to ask me what my emotion was right now, I would say "acoustic."

I'm looking forward to wearing my If All The World Was A Village t-shirt tomorrow. I'm looking forward to Cereal Fest. I'm looking forward to seeing the Etch A Sketch on the bulletin board fill up with quotes and phrases.

I've been utterly occupied since I was on duty -- and before that! since Anne and I had coffee with Reghan -- and before that! since I dined with Kylee -- and before that! since class and practicum. I was anticipating a little time to get all that work done. Ohh dear. A wise little hobbit once told me the prudence of waking up early to do work. I think I might take Kayla's advice.

Anne and I are in love with our unit. We've already decided to host regular "family dinners" in our Lodge next year. We'll cook for all of them.

It's a TUNDRA outside. There are whole FEETS of snow piled every which way. Today was especially fri-zi-zeezing. Kayla's teeth are chattering behind me as I type. Take that as my final strum.

Acoustically yours,

Bethany.

Rinse and spit

I want to get a screw driver and put it to my temple and turn. I'll unhinge the top of my head and peer inside, a toothbrush in my fist. I'll delicately squish my brain aside, tilt my head, and begin the process.

I'll brush and scrape until the bristles make a gritty noise on the inside of my ears.

It's all fuzzy in there.

Mornin' 24/7

"Hey," "Hi," and "What's up" are all good and fine. But when I see people, I love to say "MORNin'!" I literally get disappointed when the clock strikes noon. What am I s'posed to say? "Afternoon"?? I'm not a Walmart greeter. All I want in life is to say "mornin'" to people I know. That's all I want. So, you know what? I'm going to start saying "mornin'" no matter the time of day. I'm a junior. I can do whatever I want. I haven't dropped anything in Baldwin yet. I haven't fallen on the ice yet. I've still got a couple drops of dignity in the bottom of the bottle to dish out. Perfect.

David's faith

fascinates me.

Abraham's faith that God's word would come into fruition puts me in awe.

Patience and trust. Living each day as though that is the only day of ministry I have been called to.

Those are the lessons.

It began with a grapefruit

and ended with four fun-sized 3 Musketeers and two chocolate fudge poptarts.

Everything in between was pretty much straight up delightful.

-A staff breakfast morning -- which I have grown to love. Danielle and I always have a conversation about how to mix our juices. Lindsay and I always scan the donut counter first. Wilbur Williams always says a friendly word to us, after which I melt... pretty much onto the floor.

-A whole class dedicated to Pride and Prejudice. Need I say more? What a witty, comfy book.

-An encouraging and enlightening heart-to-heart with the one and only Noelle Hagen. Did she treat me to McConn? Why, yes. She did.

-Tea Time with friends and former East 3 West leaders: Elle Kernitz and Jeanette Jain. Anne and I vomited our love of E3W. We drank tea. Elle magicked sugar into her mouth. Jeanette probably referenced pop culture. We're going to force them to tell us stories about past E3W.

-Shannon almost burned down North Hall with a single cookie. I had to run its black carcass downstairs and put it in the snow. Doors and windows were opened. Towels fanned the smoke. Shannon apologized a lot. Carrie wandered into the hall and stood among the smoke and asked if there were anymore cookies. ... all of a sudden all the girls wanted me to "post them" in my blog. I didn't know I had a secret society of East 3 West followers.

what yesterdays SNOW DAY was like

We make pamcakes. Chocolate all up ons them.

We put on shirts. And more shirts. And sweaters. And jackets. We coat our layers with footy pajamas. We fit our footied feet with boots -- something akin to round-pegging-a-square-hole.

We crunch through thousands of layers of cold. Sometimes we stay atop the ice, but we act like we're walking on water. It takes dozens of pictures and bruised knees to get to the retention pond.

We walk on water. We make snow angels on water. A couple times in the middle, a boot goes through and everyone freezes. We eat celebratory snow at the other side of the pond, then recklessly run and slide all the way back across. We scream our war whoops -- victors of the pond. [It was the dot over the "i" in a little "blip" of history... but nothing has ever felt so epic.]

We reward ourselves in McConn. Order the impromptu drink of the day: "Snowpocalypse." Laugh in our carpe diem.

The "we" disintegrates and I spend some quality time with God. I think human nature has given me knowledge, but left me devoid of wisdom. I'm so engrossed with understanding now that I lack perspective. Human nature has made me an amnesiac. I daily forget God's bigness and his bestness. As Anna would say, there is nothing as comforting as curling up in God's shirt pocket and hearing His heart beat.

Anne and I dine with many E3Westers. Ashley, Shannon, Chelsea, Rachelle, Mary Beth, Libby, Jess. In Baldwin, there is (naturally) a chair with a slab of meat on it. As the RA, I napkin that sucker and remove it while the girls (hardcore lodgeball champs and nursing majors) gag.

Anne and I have a 2 on 4 with Ashley ("Red"), Rachelle, Shannon, and Jess. I am always fascinated when I talk to these chicks. I don't want to force my friendship on them... but I love them. And I want to be closer every time we interact. So when they start to open up or when they just want to chill, I get giddy. :D

Anna interviews me. We realize she knows pretty much everything already. Anne, Mike, Kayla, and I play Hand and Foot. Ashley solves all our problems because she's a canasta-playing genius. I fall asleep reading Pride and Prejudice.

Be jealous.

SNOW DAY

people are going nuts on facebook.

an extra chapel was created for this morning -- everyone slept through it.

dance party in the lobby with strobe lights.

guys running from dorm to dorm in running shorts and cut-off shirts.

sleepover in emily's room. forts in the end lounges with tons of sheets.

snowball fight facebook event. darts competition facebook event. eukre tournament facebook event.

reeces pieces pancakes in noelle's apartment. homework or crazy-go-nuts?

dinner plate flakes falling from the sky. "imma be" playin' in the background.

videos to come.

chill

Extreme weather makes me giddy.

I really like Pride and Prejudice.

I sat and talked with people in front of a fireplace for hours today in McConn about God. I also had a really nice talk with God today in the Williams Chapel.

It's snowing razor blades.

Life's just chill :)